When the Light Bulb Goes Off

As the days pass
I wonder where you are
I have been through so much
The aspiring corporate guy
The forever educator
The one I see potential in, but he does not see it in himself

But today I saw…
A man that caught a piece of my soul (sigh)
My attention like no other
The one that just has
An ora about him
Call it as you may…
His swag, smell, and clear passion to be a better person

It has been so long since
This feeling has come into play
The moment of looking up and seeing someone
A person that made me think twice about the decisions I make in life
A man that stands out no matter what he is in, people have respect for him

Everything about him
Says I should be able to be relaxed
I tend to find myself a little nervous and hoping I give him the same feeling
He makes me wonder when I will see him again
If I am writing on his soul the way he just did mine
The insight to a future I can’t be sure will become truth
He brings me an easy smile with just
Seeing his name pop up on my phone
The morning messages that show he is thinking of me
He inspires me without trying

The communication piece of being able to discuss anything
There is no moodiness, no topic left uncovered, or hidden fears
What can I say… I support his dreams as hard as I support my own
His soul speaks to mine and offers a calming mechanism like no other
I just might have had my light bulb go off…


5 Things I Wish My Ex’s Knew

All things discussed are relative and implying based on what I have heard women say and react based on.

As a child, girls are initially started out to be groomed to think about that one special day. So most girls are starting to think about what her Ken and Prince Charming will be like to help her build her yellow brick road. She starts early on thinking about if she wants a family, what kind of mom she will be, and what her American Dream will consist of. She dreams, dreams, dreams of what will be the next step once she gets old enough to date and who that one will be. We have dream doll houses, babies that do live things, play kitchen, and mock salons to prep us. It takes a little girl growing into an independent teenager and into a thriving young lady to not let these stigmas grow with her. She can focus on being the full package, but it isn’t complete until he locates her. I know, I know… he is supposed to find her. What happens when the dream becomes a nightmare and you wonder why most of your exs suffer from the lack of a mix of the 5 Things I Wish My Ex’s Knew.

  • The lack of willingness to communicate is a red flag.
  • A lack of support through tragic situations say the love is lost.
  • Making me a lower priority or a shift on the priority list.
  • Seeking attention from other women.
  • The act of loving me

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Let’s depict these. The concern of communication can be on the female side as well, but today we will grab it from the male side. Where oh where does it start. It seems like from a boys adolescents they can choose communication signs that are so hard to understand. As the move, He Just Isn’t Into You, shows a boy will throw stuff at you or step on your mud pie and females can read this different ways. They open up discussion in this movie by advising that they give such weird signals. However… that just starts us all on the wrong page to think they do and say opposite of what they mean. For some men, they don’t know how to communicate. Those that don’t will show that in different ways. He may avoid the conflict by shutting down or he may just stray away from pillow talk or deep things. Either way… it is a sign. Keep in mind that communication does not have to always be verbal, so nonverbal ques count as well. I need men to understand how this really breaks down the relationship. So if it is as minor as her thinking she can’t discuss her day, what stresses her, family drama she may assume it says how he feels about her. When he makes a mistake and isn’t willing to open up about it, it shows accountability concerns. A lack of accountability attached to this and can make a women feel that she is not or wasn’t important enough for you to want to have these discussions. Just something to think about. If you go back and forth on the same thing and he never shares his opinion on the situation or a solution… you have to wonder if he is still in the relationship.

Lack of Support through Tragic Situations

This one guys… is right up there with communication. I have to say it just makes me shake my head due to the lack of compassion some have for the ones they “love”. Please put yourself in this situation prior to handling it a certain way. When someone/anyone loses someone they love or care about and have a significant other, I promise you that person needs your support and understanding through these times. I understand that everyone handles death differently and many times we don’t know how to handle death. Communication can assist in trying to be supportive. Allow her to share her feelings, cry, and to be in a funk for a bit. She doesn’t need nor want to hear how you handle death at that point. It doesn’t matter that you are now suddenly tired and can’t lend an ear. If you turn her away when she needs your shoulder, it says more than you were just busy. Please understand I am not speaking of having to run to work, an important business meeting that you can’t skip, or something of that nature. If you sale it to her that she can’t rely on you through those times it can lead to resentment. I personally ended a relationship over this one. I was dating a guy I had been dating for almost two years when my maternal grandmother passed from cancer. My boyfriend at the time had a rough week and when I called to say she had passed after he got off work, he advised he was tired and was going to need to call me tomorrow. He did share his condolences, but he lived 2 hours away and I was up most the night upset. True to form he did call the next day and was all in. I personally took it as if he was not willing to push through that tiredness then it equated to how much he cared or didn’t care for me. After all I loved this dude. For a women, this goes further than how a male may evaluate it. If he is someone you see building a family with, you then wonder if something was to happen to you how he would act with your children or family. For me, that said it all.


The Shift on the Priority List

Men, Men, Men… some of you guys are pros at this and others may just not know how to show her she is important. You can’t keep pushing her down the list and expect her to know she is important to you. At that point where she is shifted down the list for a certain amount of time, it will catch her eye. She may not say anything right off, but she is paying attention. If she doesn’t hear from you during her week of her cycle on a consistent basis then she may have other concerns. If you only now have time for her once you finish everything and no longer ask how she is doing or send cute messages, she will take notice. I just think you can save yourself the time by reassuring her early on as priorities shift sometimes on a weekly basis, she won’t feel that shift or be as concerned if it is normally clear where she stands as a priority. If she owns a house and has a minor issue and she calls you, you don’t call back to check on the issue until later and then recommend her calling someone else to assist that she knows versus you coming to make sure all is ok, she knows she is not a priority and nothing you can do or say can or will change that. So be sure before you send out that mayday signal, if that is not what you are actually wanting to do.

Seeking attention from other women

This can start as a result of so many things. The biggest thing with this is that most the time we don’t know it is going on until it becomes embarrassing.  So if it is lude comments on social media on other women’s photos or the “innocent” flirt with the server. How disrespectful is that SHIT? No female is more secure in her relationship from her dude searching for attention from the chick around the way. What is it that drives people to this point? Can he really say the lack of attention from the chick in his path or can it be that whatever is going on has not been resolved. Ladies, if he is mentioning someone you have never heard of and the women walked passed him and turns around to introduce herself, the chick maybe interested. The girlfriend/wife does not need to address this. Once that young lady steps out of line, he needs to be able to have that conversation. If you get a rise from other women doing more than looking, then you need to re-evaluate why you are where you are. Are you really ready for a relationship if you are seeking the attention of someone else to validate who you are or if you still have it like that. Everyone wants to feel wanted, so don’t get me wrong… but we all know the difference between someone looking and keeping it moving. If you are missing something at home and are lacking one thing or multiple things, then the best thing to do is communicate about it. You would hate for your leading lady to be worried about you cheating or having a wondering eye and it is something that can be worked out as you are not attempting to cheat.

The act of loving me: Less says more than you think

I love you, I miss you, I care for you are all just words, if breathe is never breathed into the words. You can’t love a women in one breath and then in the next one screw her over time and time again. The little things that are asked about that are not done does not show your love or caring nature. Strong independent women are able to do so many of the things that men can do. It is about finding a helpmate and someone that can give some understanding and boundaries. It can be such little things like an additional hug, or surprise visit. At times, we can find it hard to know with trying to not equate the things above. How do you show love, share this with her along the way and ways it may alter that don’t mean anything different from what she is used to. Keep in mind that if you advise of these things and set a field of what to expect, then she may easily transition with you between those hard days at work or stressing on the next step to take.

If you enjoyed this blog, please check out 3 Core Values in a Relationship under the Relationship category.

Who Has Game??

It is always something that has come up in relationship talks… Do men or women have more game in the dating arena? My question is, really??? I don’t think it is one over the other. I think the real people winning the game are always revealed. I listen to peoples dating stories almost as though I am going into a movie to watch an action packed movie full of suspense. Starting with the unknown truths, to the ultimatums, to the struggle to get to know one another….where do the barriers end and begin. I have to wonder as some describe it as WINNING as though it is like a board game. However, is WINNING just finding a good mate to date or is it really once you are in a successful marriage. I guess my view may be too strong… as winning for me will be once I have a successful marriage. I can date, date, date, but until that man finds me to be his wife and we succeed at those things to build a solid foundation for tomorrow and our family, then winning is over rated. After all, e census per thoughtcatalog.com states that nationally there are 86 eligible males for every 100 women. However, there are 100 million single people in the US, so one of them has to work out. Hmmm, so someone should be winning.

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Ladies, Ladies, Ladies

So let’s open it up to some realness with no cute dance arounds. I find it amazing that some people that are in the dating world seem to be unsure what dating consist of. I hear women jumping into dating someone and feeling like because whatever he says are words to live by. They never take into account his actions or anything else that solidifies his word as bond. Why as women are we so willing to take him at his word and not focus on the surrounding clues? We turn away from suspensions, we turn away from him being honest, and we turn away from finding him in lies. What is it we are really looking for?? If a guy says he is dating and has not clarified you are exclusive or you are the only one; he more than likely is dating other women. I am just saying, it doesn’t hurt to clarify if you are not sure. I understand all the ones out there that are going to say men will lie. They will ladies, but some of the lies they tell come attached to the truth in our faces. However, we aren’t willing to accept that. Is he really the one at fault for that? I think we have to take some accountability. For those that are telling you, you are the only one and playing into every part of the puzzle, you may want to turn to your spirit of discernment if you are spiritual. In the same respect women, if you have kids and you guys two are serious and exclusive and he never wants to involve your child, you should recognize that and not sweep it under the rug unless your child is not a priority. If we are putting up ultimatums for men to marry us or stay… does that really bring any other security to your relationship that wasn’t already there if you feel he only did it because you put your foot down with a timeline? Other articles discuss how they can be really damaging to the relationship. Keep in mind that if this man takes you up on this ultimatum, that you will still have that lack of security because then you are wondering if it was just so he wouldn’t have to find somewhere else to stay, is he being faithful, etc… whatever the reason you gave him that ultimatum is not settled because he obliges to it. So and then there is the ladies looking for a man for what he can do for her. I don’t think there is anything wrong wanting someone to be your head of household that knows how to lead or handle finances. However, you may want to bring something to the table as well. No I don’t mean in a physical sense because anything can happen that changes that. I don’t even necessarily mean a degree. I know so many women with different backgrounds and have so much to offer in the way of it all and knowing how to accept and respect a good man. On one last note, states showed that most women (57%) said that their first impressions of a guy are based off of his body language and self-presentation. Just 38% judged him on how he speaks and a low 7% cared about what he actually said per thoughtcatalog.com. I thought this was interesting because it confirms although many of us women are quick to say we don’t focus on looks…something has to catch our eye about that man to peak our interest before speaking. It may not be as contingent on looks, but definitely the way he handles himself can say a lot.


I hear men say, they can’t really settle down until they find that one. I laugh in my head many times when I hear men describe the “perfect wife” as so many of the areas can be unrealistic. So I need you guys to get some reality as women have to as well. She isn’t Superwomen as the song by Karen White discusses, she is your helpmate. She may be a bad chick in the good sense of the word, by being pretty, nice body, has a career, holds down the kids, cooks, and gives you great sex. However, at some point things may happen where she needs your help cooking or cleaning and I don’t think that should be an issue. Cooking and doing other things around the house to me shows a mutual respect for one another. I do need these men to stop selling these women dreams that you know you could care less about. Just be honest in what it is you are looking for. If you are just dating until you find that one, say that. It is ok to say you plan to date multiple people until you find that one you want to get serious with. Most women I meet would be respectful of that and appreciate the honesty versus not advising of that. I know, I know… some women won’t appreciate the honesty, but that doesn’t mean you should not share the truth because of that. I think the best I have heard yet was a man that was dating a women, almost one year in, and still advising he can’t recall when it became exclusive. The funny thing was, not sure why that matters… but it got better. He went on to share that at some point she just switched how she referred to him and he never stopped to question it. He had introduced her to his friends and asking her to make certain meals, and knew she wanted to be married. He a year in could openly admit he wasn’t ready to let her go by having the conversation of not being sure where things were headed. I think just as women have to take accountability for doing some of these things, guys do to. Dude, you can’t be a year in with a chick and asking for things that most look for from a mate and think she won’t assume it is moving forward. I am not one to make that assumption, but many women will go off of a mans actions and words. I can’t say she is wrong for that if he has never stopped to say we aren’t really exclusive and I am not sure that I want to be in a serious relationship with you. Men, you have be open to letting go of one while in search of that other one versus holding on and not being transparent while seeking or waiting for the greener grass. It just does so much emotional damage. At the end of the day, if it doesn’t make sense to you. Ask yourself how you will handle it when it is your daughter being done the same way you treat women or your mom… That may help those that can’t understand this concept make it a little clearer.

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Be Honest

We all want that one that everyone else wants. We want the guy with the nice body, great communication skills, and cooks, pampers his women, knows how to surprise you without asking what you want, knows how to be romantic, and loves you like no one else. However, realistically…. Since perfection doesn’t exist. We have known and learn what can work on both parts. If you have a criminal background or children you don’t take care of, you should share that too as the relationship heats up. Many men and women, won’t care about these things if they know before walking down the aisle. My thing is… I don’t think it is that men or women are better at playing the game. I believe the real one’s winning in the dating world are the people that can understand how dating works. The people that are self-aware enough to know what to share when and not scared to let those brick walls down. Don’t get me wrong… I know all too well how scary it is to get back out there and let someone in again. However, if you truly want to date and see what is out there for you, we have to be willing to take the risk. I know our hearts aren’t as easily repairable and trust doesn’t come overnight, but think about what you are trying to accomplish. If you know you don’t want a relationship but someone you just enjoy sexually, say that. Just as many people that want relationships these days are looking for just someone to hang with and enjoy a great orgasm from time to time. I can’t tell you what is right or wrong for you, but you need to know what that is and what works and doesn’t work for you. No one wants to waste time with someone because they just weren’t honest. Also, learn how to make some of those decisions for yourself. Everyone is going to have someone they share their business with, but you are the one that will be in the situation. Make sure it is something you can be comfortable with. So I do truly feel like the ones winning the game are the ones helping not add to the divorce rates by jumping into someone that you can’t have heart to hearts with, or someone you don’t trust, or see having children with. The winners are the ones having those pressing conversations with their mate as things progress. Let them know your past and make a choice if they want to stay. Balance who you share the details of your mate with as you don’t want personal things floating around out there as someone decides to share the details of your relationship with someone you couldn’t trust with it. Believe in yourself, your feelings, open up to the one you want if that is what you both are moving towards, be willing to push past barriers you have up… only do so if the person is worth doing something different to get somewhere you have never been.

If you enjoyed this blog, check out The 3 Core Values of a Relationship, Learning to Forgive, and Love and Respect.


Let Go

As time moves forward, I find myself looking back and forward and always evaluating what should be done next. In that process, I find myself looking at the mistakes I have made in the past. I have stayed in a nutshell so long, it be hard to allow myself to just let my hair down and even have a good time. I tend to stay tense and at times feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I find and accept that many times I have done this to myself.

The people in your life, the way you take care of you, the peace you need in your life… all things that need to be a priority. I can’t say it enough!!! I will tell you to be careful who you keep around. I am not saying to cut a person off at the first signs of differences. I am saying that as we get older, make time to review those “friendships” and past relationships. Take the time when it is needed so you can stop wanting to go back and get answers that was truly over years ago. Be honest with yourself with what you can and can’t deal with. I know this will differ per person, however, it is essential to communicate well through any relationship. We have to stop doing things that cause more detriment to ourselves in order to please others. I decided some time ago to stop fighting for friendships that didn’t do the same. I decided long ago to let the past relationships be that. I no longer need or feel as though I have to nurture those friendships. Many times relationships and friendships end due to the season for that relationship being over. We hang on so long due to our comfort zone and I am guilty of it. At times it can be hard to cut those ties due to past experiences. I urge you to ask yourself why you would put someone else above your own sanity. I can assure you if it is a one sided friendship or relationship, it will drain you one day. You will wake up and feel as though you are empty in that avenue. So… I say all this to say. You can’t be 100 % you without thinking of you 1st. I am not saying be selfish, as it isn’t. I am saying that you have to care enough about you to make smart decisions for you. I have always been the type of person to put others before me for most my life. If I could help them, if I can be there for them, if I can save them…I promise you, you will reach a day of trying to figure out how the relationship took that turn. You will have to have some accountability where it is concerned.


Wake up, Wake up, Wake up… I am not saying people can’t learn or change the way they handle things or communicate. Time has proven that many are not self-aware enough to care about these things until it is something that may benefit them. I have seen friendships and relationships ruined due to the lack of being self-aware and accountability. It is not your job to save people. You can’t change the choices they make. As we know we all live a life that may remind us daily of our past mistakes and highs, but you just have to take it day by day and focus on the next step. Accept what you have learned in the process and be aware as the test will come again. I tend to do horribly at this because of my undying belief that people want to be good people. The truth is, many people are not so focused on just being good people. By nature many are selfish and don’t see much outside of their own window and by the time they do, the damage that has been done can be unrepairable.

I can say I have shed my last tear on unrepairable relationships. Learn to recognize that and operate accordingly. I used to find myself searching for ways to repair these and it can just take so much time and really just distracts you from the lesson to be learned. Be thankful for the good times and put the rest to bed. Don’t shed your tears on people that will never realize what you brought to the table nor be open to accept the error of their ways. Let go, Let go, Let go… Your Happiness, Your Destiny, Your Path depends on it.


Love and Respect

[soliloquy id=”undefined”]Love is an empty word without respect.
-Nora Roberts

I felt drawn to write on this due to there being a lot of people that seem to be suffering for the misdirection of how important these are. Of course I am speaking of people that are in relationships or a marriage for the right reasons, not for a business transaction, or just for name sake. I know this can be different for all people, however everyone wants to be loved. I don’t know anyone that can deny that. Respect comes into play as for many people with the respect lacking, the feel of love is lacking as well.
I have to say that most of it goes back to learning to communicate and being transparent with your mate. If you love someone with everything in you, are you willing to take the roller coaster ride called life with them? So it applies to relationships and marriage as many are dating to find a mate. Are you discussing what makes your feel respected or lack thereof? You need to understand what makes your tick, what hits a nerve, and what will make you feel disrespected. I say that as although you may find a mate that seems to fit the form you are looking for, those questions will or I would think would come up at some point. We can’t expect someone else to know everything about us. As we learn and grow together, yes there are behaviors and things they will pick up on. Reading minds will more than likely not be one of them and is more than anyone should expect. As we know what works for some doesn’t work for others, so take the time to learn one another and understand the other party.

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Love can be shown in so many different formats. As you are dating be open to learn how that person shows love. Everyone won’t do it the same way. Saying they love you, gifts, offering to assist in a time of need is not the same way everyone will show love. You must also take time to know how you show and display love. My advice would also be not to use the word too loosely and know what you mean when you say it. Don’t get drawn in because the other party says it first or starts to show displays of how your show your love. Communicate, Communicate, And Communicate. The reason being is without this one factor, many times love can be misconstrued just as easily as a text message sent with an assumed tone. We know how easily those are misread. One other thing maybe to know once you start sharing that you love this person, be ready to answer why. People are not being funny when asking this, but some may not see the person as you do or may just wonder how you equate knowing you are in love or have love for someone. I will say one sure sign for me that I realized over the years is that if I am willing to do his feet, massage, clip toe nails, etc then I definitely have a special place for him in my heart. Not sure why, but I just don’t believe in just touching everyone’s feet or handling them. I know this is minute to some, but I know for me this is a big thing for me.

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Respect… earned or learned?? All varies on the person. You learn just like in friendships what makes them feel respected or disrespected. I think it should go without saying that you should know what can or can’t be done for your partner to battle with feeling respected or disrespected. To me, this is one more thing that all people want in just everyday life. In a lifetime partnership, how do you what will make them feel disrespected if you don’t ask? This is something that I would think would be discussed before making it down the aisle, but if for some reason it is not… I would make it a point to discuss. You are not always going to have the same upbringing, values, or views on things. I can’t imaging most people not knowing what makes them feel disrespected so this should be an easy conversation to have. Although, if they don’t still push through what maybe a struggle of a conversation as it is good for both parties to know. If you have a night with your girls and make it home near midnight without calling to say I am going to be out late, he may view that as being disrespectful. How will you know without simply asking? I know that it sounds silly, but as you hear so much that goes on in relationships, you realize some of those concerns could be easily turned around by knowing what makes the other one feel respected.

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I by no means want to come off as a relationship counselor. I am currently single, never been married and I know for some that will disqualify my opinions I am sharing. However, I’ve had my share of relationships and have gone through the process with them of learning these things and seen firsthand what it has done to others. I am not married today as I don’t believe in starting a marriage with a lack of loyalty, love, and respect. If I have to question those things going in, why start it then… take the time to work through those issues so you are not walking in wondering if you can make the year mark. We all know things can come up in a relationship or a marriage that can strain it, but you want to start off on a good note of starting your life together and continue to work on things. I have heard people say they don’t want to have these “hard” conversations and I just wonder what type of relationship they are searching for. Find what works for you and yours and know yourself well enough to know what you need and want. I ask you not to enter into something serious without understanding these two crucial things for yourself as it is hard to communicate it another party if you don’t know yourself.

If you enjoyed this blog, feel free to read 3 Core Values in a relationship under the relationship category.

Love Don’t Pay the Bills

The play presented in Dallas for Mother’s Day weekend. I was blessed enough to be able to see the play on opening night thanks to my mentor. My cousin, Monika Teague, and I had a great night out. The play was at TBAAL and started a little after 8 PM. Directed by Laterras R. Whitfield and written by Kendrick D. Young’s.

love dont pay the bills

They had a star studded cast from Chico De Barge, Elise Neal, Shirley Murdock, Toya Wright, and Clifton Powell. One Dallas native, Kyndal Robertson, just to name a few.

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It hits on so many areas that need to be looked at for marriage. The title says so much and it iisn’t necessarily about paying the bills. It is more about learning to build a solid foundation for your relationships from friendships to marriages. So many of us that are married or in a serious relationships have found ourselves focused on the appearance of the relationship. I am not sure why this is so important, but it is. I found myself doing this in my last serious relationship and focused on keeping the appearance up that it was perfect versus being transparent to a certain extent. Believe me, you don’t want to share everything. You need to learn to work things out with your mate, without taking in a lot of outside noise. Yep, I said noise. Folks, learn who to talk to for what things. The play hits on hard levels of marriage due financial challenges and the concern for barring kids. I don’t want to spoil this for everyone that may see this in other areas. I will say I think they did a magnificent job of balancing the religion, realistic approaches, laughter, and some ooh moments.

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You know… I have never been married. However, I have heard these same issues time and time barreling through marriages. After researching, many sites brought up top three marital issues are money, sex, communication; in no particular order. However, I would have to say the breakdown of communication will start the breakdown of others. Or the lack of honesty about money or lack of reaching your sexual pleasure can start the breakdown of communication. I could see them all being reciprocal. It is a vicious cycle. The play hits on all of these.

I think many times people start to forget over time why they decided to marry the person in the first place. We know not all people marry for the same reason. However, if you are marrying based on love and feeling that this is who God had for you… I think these are all issues that will come up at some point. You may want to understand before entering a marriage, if the other person takes their vows and marriage seriously. Don’t skip the hard discussions as it leads to more turmoil later in the relationship. Now do know, there is a time and place for these conversations. As things get more serious and you two are discussing seeing a life together, it may be a good idea to know how that party views marriage, what they want in a marriage, what are deal breakers, religious views. You just want to know you have opened the door for discussion and have a healthy flow of communication with your mate. In many times, this also has some to deal with knowing yourself. It is excruciatingly hard to explain to your mate what you want or need, if you don’t know yourself first. Please don’t put unrealistic expectations on your mate to know things about you or what you prefer if you keep the lid on communication. Take time to get to know one another and be willing to discuss strengths, weaknesses, what cheating means to you, if family is a priority. The additional thing that comes with that is just keeping your eyes open and realizing if what they are saying to you doesn’t add up… don’t make up why it doesn’t, discuss it.

If you enjoyed the blog on the play, take a look and see when it is coming to your area. Feel free to also check out the blog called 3 Core Values of a Relationship.

A Vision of My Husband

Dear Future Husband,

Thank you in advance for being a man of God in the way that knows and accepts his leadership and husband qualities. I will see in you that you understand your highest calling and relationship is with God before me and your devotion to me will be held at a higher standard than one I’ve ever known. God created you perfectly for me (not perfect).

The thought of the passion, respect, and undying love for you brings tears to my eyes. You will be the first one that I love in a different way. It is a scary thing to see so much in a man and know that I am willing to lay down so much for that one. We bring each other smiles, tears, and endure the trenches for one another out of the appreciation that we have for one another.

I will know you when I see you as you will take my breathe away when you enter a room. My attraction to you is not based around my physical attraction to you. Don’t get me wrong, there will be that attraction, but what will grab my attention first are the words from your lips to my ears. You will speak in a way that I am not used to in men. The wisdom you will share speaks to the core of my soul; an area that has not fully been reached before. You will carry yourself in a way that pulls my eyes to you and captures my interest. Your conversation will stimulate my mind, leaving me hanging on to your words and leaving me longing to hear your voice. I will find myself so pulled to you that I won’t be able to explain it to others. My peeps will be shocked in the way I am taken back by you as they have never seen me be so into a man and willing to learn from him. You won’t know all the answers and nor will you pretend to.

Thank you for being sensitive enough to be there when I am ill and strong enough to bare my pain on your shoulders. You aren’t turned off by my tears that may come when discussing my past or my mistakes; you are intrigued by them. You seem to be the type of man that communicates in a way that I have not known in a relationship. When I am with you all the pain from my past that has been so well captured in Mary J Blige songs is a fond memory. You bring me a sense of solitude that I have never felt. I now hear Luther Vandross, The Isley’s Brothers, Sade, and other love songs in a way I have never before. You have given me a love that I didn’t know was possible. I will experience unconditional love that is foreign to many. As Luther says… I’d rather have bad days with you then good days with someone else. I’d rather be beside you in the storm than safe and warm by myself. You will be a man that embraces our differences and looks for ways for us to use them to motivate one another. You see my dreams as vividly as I do.

The touch of your hand will send chills up my spine. The countless hugs before we dated kept me longing to feel you pull me close, hold me, and for that one enduring kiss on the forehead. The first kiss from your lips to mine will leave me feeling like I am in a fairytale. I have no concerns of my physical desires being met as I know that we will be able to fulfill one another in a way that will seem like a dream.

Hubby, you will have power in your tongue and I will be submissive to you as I will see God in you and the things you do. I can release that controlling tinge I have that has to come out to handle things and allow you to lead our household due to the God that I see in you. You truly take us from being a force to a movement and the words of Musiqs song, Don’t Change, come to life as I feel myself falling in love with you.

At times I fear that although I will know you on sight or even by the words… what if you never see me. You may not be ready for what I see in you. So for that I will wait and be patient and trust in what God has shared with me. I will be able to do this as I need you as I need air to breathe.

I pledge to you my undying love. To know and accept that we won’t always agree, but will be willing to hear you out. I pledge to you a promise to try and fight for us like I haven’t before. We won’t always like or understand one another, but I believe what God has brought together no man can tear apart. I promise as your wife to be open and evaluate myself from time to time. I will value you, respect you, and honor you.


K Joi

3 Core Values in a Dating Relationship

When I think back over time about my dating relationships, three things ring key to me that were important in all of them. I have not been a serial dater, but have had my share of serious boyfriends over the last 10 years. The three things I will discuss below are things that could have been worked on in all of them and if they had, one of them might have just been Mr. Right. It takes two in a relationship to make any of the things below work. One person can strongly pull the relationship in all these areas, but if both are not willing to make these a priority I think it will be hard to fully gain the full potential in the relationship from either person. However, this is just my opinion. This blog will be from the viewpoint of women in heterosexual relationships. I can’t speak from other standpoints as they have not been my experiences.


I listed communication first on purpose. We start early on in our lives learning how to communicate. As a baby you watch and associate movements, sounds, and visions with certain things all before we learn how to talk. As we grow up, many of us communicate with people similarly to the way our family and friends did in our environment growing up or you realized that you wanted to have a different style of communication. The things we experience with growing up have a lot to do with the way we manage our relationships. I am not saying that rings true for everyone. However, I would strongly say majority of people. As you are learning yourself, maturing, and starting to date many of us learn how to communicate with the opposite gender or same depending on your dating preference. Communication can vary from verbal, body language, and nonverbal cues. One must think of how they would want to be talked to before they enter into relationships with their preference in gender for dating. Many of us will speak of what we want out of a relationship but have no idea how to effectively communicate in our everyday lives through family and friends. As two people are getting to know one another the way you communicate with one another can play a big role on where things are headed. In my early 20’s the way I communicated with men is different than the way I communicate with them now. My priorities have changed and as I continue to grow the conversation piece is very different. I learned early on, I had no appreciation for someone with a lot of talk and no action or someone that thought they could talk to me “out the side of their neck” because they were not used to what I brought to the table. However, through it all it has helped me learn what I am looking for in a mate and made me think of the way I talk with someone I am dating. I have been guilty of speaking harshly or directing someone I was dating. I can’t say honestly that I knew or realized it at the time. Once someone brought it to my attention, I realized in that relationship I did that because I felt I could not count on that individual to lead me as a man would lead his wife and therefore we needed to discuss some things in the event that was where we were headed. The communication piece for me is huge. If I can communicate with you about my religion/spirit, my day, my family, friends, and my fears then I can be vulnerable with you. Communication between two people in a relationship many times leads to if a person can trust who they are with. If you can’t open up about the things most important to you, how to you ever grow to trust them? If you can’t open up about your mistakes or where things could have been done differently in your life, will you be able to do so when mistakes happen in your relationship?


Trust is generally earned along the way with most people. I was always different in this area as I would always give people my trust upfront until you gave me a reason to doubt you or not believe you. For most, this is opposite. Trust while dating normally comes along with time and viewing how someone can keep things you have shared or be there as you are going through your journey. Trust can easily be broken when there have been lies (even small ones), infidelity, and no accountability where there should be some. I listed trust next because for me if we have learned how to communicate while trying to date and I have given you my trust, and we are well on our way. We are headed down a pretty good road, not to say there won’t be bumps along the way. This is an area that is hard to repair once it is broken. I mentioned little lies above because many feel little lies won’t make a difference, but it really comes down to what you are trying to do in this relationship. If you are looking for something that you can start with a foundation and be built on; can you do that with nothing but lies (even the small ones)? Some would say yes and overtime getting on the straight and narrow will make all the difference and for some it will. Many would disagree as one little lie normally turns into more down the road. I can tell you from a female stand point that if you can’t be honest with me on the small things like shoes, hair, cloths, etc. then it will be hard to believe you will be honest with harder questions come into play. For example, I received an email that surfaces between you and a coworker. How do you know her? What was the discussion? I may ask these questions already knowing the answer, but wanting to hear if you are willing to tell me the truth. It is not about playing a game, but instead of jumping to conclusions one can just ask. I would say it can be approached in a discussion manner (communicate) this way your response and how you handle the situation may let me know if my trust in them remains the same. This is a real example from one snippet of my life and I can assure you that my response was calm in tone when I started asking questions. However, when you feel the trust is broken and someone you have invested years in won’t open up about it, trust in that person can change quickly. If the trust is broken or starts to be questioned; can you or do you still have respect for that person?


Respect is as important as love in a relationship. This was taken from the www.frankiejohn.com. I am not sure how you feel about respect, but I feel if you can’t respect the person you are trying to build something with, there may not be a future. As the quote says above, I think it is hard to get through the hard times with someone when you have no respect for them as a person, the things they desire to do, or aspire to be. Please don’t confuse this with agreeing to all or understanding them all. If you are looking to build a future with someone and have no respect for them, where does that leave you in the rough times? I know from experience that love is not always enough to keep a person there or a relationship going. However, with the three combined it definitely will help me figure out if I am willing to stay through those times. The view on respect, just as the other two areas will be different from person to person. You have to know what you respect about people or are willing to learn about them to see if you have any respect for them. Respect will not be used universally, so you also in the midst of building this foundation with this person have to be clear on why you respect them. I say this because there will come a time when something will be done or said and the peanut gallery will be get involved in these conversations. If you aren’t sure why you love and respect the man or women you are with, this will cause you to question that foundation or why you are there. Take time to get to know him or her for who they are and why they are the way they are; as everyone’s story leads to understanding them better. I am not saying you will respect them by knowing their background, but through this you get a better understand of maybe why they handle situations the way they do. If you choose to discuss their background or what makes them who they are, you are coming full circle back to communication.

As I mentioned prior, these are things I see as very important things in a dating relationship. I have been in some interesting relationships and learned something from all of them. They were not bad guys, but we just had different priorities and things to work on. In my prior engagement, these were all things that were great in the beginning, but over time did not stay consistent; hence I am not married to him now. I am not saying these three things would have kept us together, but things would have had a chance of working out if these three things and God remained at the forefront.

Please join me as I get to join Lady T on the online radio show Say Something on TMIradio.com on Wednesday, September 3rd at 6 PM. She will be discussing The Ways You Can Tell You Are in a Bad Relationship.


Friendship 101


Thank you for being a friend

Travel down the road and back again.

Your heart is true, you’re a pal and a confidant.

And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew.

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend.

The Golden Girl Theme song, I believe it sums it up.

We start to form and build relationships early on in life. From the time kids start daycare or play dates to the day we take our last breath. For many of us our first friends were our family, as they were the first people we could get some lee way with. My first friend was my baby cousin that is like a sister, Monika. We used to spend summer days, most Friday nights together, up all night playing Nintendo, playing pool and air hockey at her house. We may have had our first feuds with cousins (or I know I did), siblings, and friends from our early puberty stages. Friends essentially offer us that out from things we are unsure if family will judge based on. They are there through all the ups and downs of our life. Not all friends will last all four seasons and others will last a lifetime. I have been fortunate to have met many of my Ace’s at the age of 11 and gain some others along the way. Most of mine have been the epitome of ride or die in the sense of no matter what came my way they have never wavered. However, not all have been of that caliber, but I can say I have taken away great lessons from all the people who have gained the title as a friend. After all, a friend is a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection per the dictionary. Join me as I discuss the difference in friendships of men and women.

Women to Women Friendships

Women friendships vary on so many things. I recall being in sixth grade and meeting the first group of girls I became tight with. I had no idea that after 20 plus years we would all still be in touch. We went through first crushes, first kisses, driving, body changes, after high school decisions, and into adulthood. My girls and I have taken the time to truly get to know one another and be there through different situations. Over time we have spent time with one another’s family, trying new things, and new job experiences together. As women some consider friends people that they can share their hopes, dreams, and goals with. Many others consider a friend someone that they can go out with, shop with, and do other things they enjoy. I have had conversations with women that call a friend someone they can have around family, travel with,  and can leave their man around. What I have found in most of my friendships is that, as women we lean on one another like sisters in many instances. Although this sounds like sugar and spice and everything nice, this does not come without some bumps along the way. As women go through different situations, there will be a difference of opinions, eyes rolling, and attitudes. I know my group and I have only made it through by being open and attempting to be transparent. In those moments of attempting to be transparent we shared laughs, tear, and eye-opening moments.  You have to learn along the way to accept people for who they are and learn how to handle those differences. Women can be the best of friends, but you have to know and understand what is valued by one another and be honest with yourself on where you are in your friendships. What is important to you with your relationships with your girls? Are you and your girls more like Sex in The City or Living Single?

Men to Men Friendships

(this will be off of what I have observed and heard)

Men tend to be a little more relaxed with their friendships. I grew up with a brother that was 6 years older than me and him and his boys were tight from middle school and up as well. They would play sports, double date, and can challenge each other at new things. The male perspective can be different at times as well. It isn’t always a close niche relationship that makes a good friend for them. They definitely may not talk as often as the women do, but their bond once formed generally is hard be broken unless the man codes are broken. I have seen men that consider people friends that they may have grown up with but don’t necessarily know the details of the other person’s life step by step. I have seen men that are there for anything that goes down and those that are complacent. However, I have also seen those friendships amoungst men that will be honest with one another, motivate one another, and advise when the other one is wrong. Can they be vulnerable or share their emotion with one another without having to worry about their man card?

Does a good friend for a man become someone who supports, stands by your side, or is your wing man? What makes a good friend as men? Are you and your boys more like The Wood, Grown Ups, or The Hang Over?


Women and Men Friendships

This one can be great but can also become tricky… I used to love watching Dawson’s Creek and 90210. These sitcoms showed this in so many ways.  I think having friends of a different gender brings some great benefits. Men and women do often see things different and it brings in that diversity. I have seen my boys from way back to grow into productive men over time and we have been able to value one another’s opinions and differences. I have had some guy friends that always extend support of my goals and were there like big brothers when certain situations came about. I believe that men can share insight to how a women is viewed by men, what men value, and what concerns a man may see when looking at a women. I say this because in many of these friendships at some point they will discuss their dating lives and should be able to be open with oe another on what can be improved upon. I have found the best guy friends have been those that I can speak to about anything. One that knows me for me and accepts me for that and not in spite of those things. How have you found that men and women friendships have worked for you?

With any friendship you need to decide what it is you are willing to give and what you want to get out of it. I would recommend you to be open and honest with yourself and others when building these friendships.

The words that escape a friend’s mouth are “I’ll be there when you say you need me” but the words that are unheard from a true friend’s heart are “I’ll be there… whether you say you need me or not.”