Category: Self Improvement/Worth

My past shook hands with my future. As it bid my future farewell and locked the last chapter down. Allow this to happen in your life so you can be the result and success story of all the things your past agreed to lock away in the prior chapter.

I was listening to the radio the other day and heard Eminem’s song “Guts Over Fear”. This song really hit home for me. I have watched his story and heard so much, but still feel he is underrated in the rap game. I love the lyrics because it is relatable to most. He admits his faults in his past, his fears, and how he overcame them. Most of us struggle with accepting what has occurred in our past based on the choices we made. His title is so fitting and the lyrics are touching. I felt that he was just being 100% transparent in the song and sharing that he hopes it will help someone else. Many of us hide behind the fear of what has occurred in our past and others finding out, so we are not able to allow our past to stay where it should be. I speak from personal experience. I too have had issues with accepting my failures in life, where I am right now in life, and just letting go of what you can’t change. It is odd for me to say that but I have gotten to a point where I can be thankful for what I have been through as God revealed one day after speaking to someone I hardly knew and shared some of my story I was ashamed of with; that it is all falling into line. I recall after that incident just being filled with emotion as it was one of the first times discussing something that I had held in for some time due to not knowing peoples reaction.

After a broken engagement and questioning if I would even want to be married and have children, I questioned all events that took place with that. I was embarrassed to walk away from someone I trusted my heart with and saw a future with. However, the embarrassment came from within. I think I was harder on myself than anyone else was. I believed I had failed my parents by allowing a man into our lives and my family that was not going to be family now. After money was wasted, emotions were drained after trying to save the relationship, and accepting that something’s just aren’t meant to be. I found myself a little lost. So much came into question after this situation. It took me a few years to get back to the point of seeing or envisioning even wanting to be married again and have children. I believe it took me time to forgive myself and wondering if I left too soon. I had prayed and asked God not to allow me to walk down the aisle if he was not the one. I will say, don’t ask God for things if you aren’t sure if you want the answer. It shortly became clear that we weren’t the other ones soul mate and only became more real in a dream. I had a dream while engaged that I was getting married and I could not find my father. In the midst of searching for him hysterically and no one advising me where he was and why I only had a photo of him at the ceremony… it was because when that day is to come he wouldn’t be there. My father is now deceased and will not be able to see that day for me and that special guy. I urge you to deal with past issues from relationships and admit to yourself that there were some good and bad times. However, take the lessons learned and make sure before moving forward that you are open to meeting someone and being with someone without interference of your feelings for the last guy/gal or concerns for the same issues you two experienced.

Accepting the fact that one of my largest battles has been weight control has been rough over the last 10 years. It has seemed that no matter how many times I start to get back on track, it is just never completed. When you have picked up weight over the last number of years and you see the difference in how people treat you based on it, it definitely opens your eyes to what your future can hold or be blocked from due to it. I have had guys tell me that I am nice looking and that with losing some weight I could be really be something more. Of course with them not knowing that I used to be in shape with no tummy. However, you just learn that those people are not for you. Due to that over the years, I have struggled with so many things due to noticing the difference in how men will even treat you with more weight on you. I have seen men discount me due to my body not being in shape for women that had a body, but were thirsty versus really wanting to deal with that person based on who they are. Why is this? I have seen and heard men discount women doing things or lack of doing things based on the look that one brings with them. I don’t think there is an issue with having a preference, but I do think there is an issue with blocking yourself from getting to know people that maybe just as worthy based on weight that can be lost or without you knowing if they have a condition that has caused them to keep the weight on. I had to get my mind right and know that no matter my size, I know what I bring to the table. Don’t let what has occurred to you in the past based on your size or peoples remarks slow you down from your purpose.

So from financial mistakes to learning of domestic issues with people I adored, you have to learn how to deal with the issues that come up. Everyone will handle them differently and that is ok. If you don’t deal with the things that bother you the most in life your future will be impacted by it. I recall the day the Lord woke me up in the middle of the night to discuss my purpose and next steps. I couldn’t have been more mortified thinking, share my story. Lord you know it all and how private I am. You know I am not one that likes to disappoint people or be in the view of everyone knowing about me. As he reminded me that everyone’s story will help someone and it be some rough times but overall I could be ok… I had to step out on faith. I will be the first to admit, I haven’t always been one that has known how to let go of my past. I was one that would cling to people from my past because they knew the good, bad, the ugly and were still accepting. However, if those relationships (friendships or dating) are toxic, who does that help? I recall after losing my father and attempting to get back on track reaching out to a counselor and accepting that I had a few other things to deal with as well. I promise you I may not know your past but I have had one from hell at times and if I can overcome it, so can you. It may not be a cakewalk, but you have to want to. Forgive yourself for allowing yourself to love the wrong person, let go of the mistakes from 3,5, and 10 years ago. Allow your heart to breathe again. Please don’t block your past from shaking hands with your future and closing the chapters that have been written and engraved in your heart.

There is so much more to share with you folks and it will be coming out in my book where I discuss my life story and how I overcame the hurdles of life.

What are your future plans?

What is your road map to get to those?

Are you saving?

Are you investing in 401K, stocks, and mutual funds or learning options for investments?

Have you thought about how your family will handle things when you have taken your last breath?

Do you know where to locate your resources for your future plans?
Most of us lead our lives in pursuit of what we will have in the future. No matter where you are in life, how do you get to the next step if you haven’t planned?

I didn’t start out so well on the saving tip, investing in my 401 K, or even planning for my future outside of incurring a ton of college debit. I graduated college and got into the corporate world. I didn’t start fully investing into my 401K initially due to my salary. I can make the excuse about my salary, but it was only me and I was living at home right after graduation for 6 months. I just didn’t take the time out of my life to learn about the best way to financially plan for my life. Three and a half years later I still wasn’t doing the greatest job in saving, but my credit was great and was planning a wedding. Doesn’t that sound odd… planning a future with someone, but not saving for a house or dreams to be met? When my dream tumbled down, I made some not so great decisions. I bought a luxury truck that I loved, but did not need. I was rolling a 2001 Mitsubishi Galant prior and it still ran great and was paid off. This Galant got me from A to B to C without having hardly any problems. It still had a decent paint job, could have used some tinted windows, but you get what I am saying. What was I thinking??? This suv took premium gas, had a hefty monthly note, and had three rows in it. I didn’t have kids and wasn’t married. What was the purpose for this suv? I honestly bought this on an emotional whim. It filled the void at that time for the embarrassment of a broken engagement. I urge you to really think about your decisions before making large purchases based on want versus need. Don’t get me wrong, I was going to need another car at some point, but something reasonable. We all live and learn and believe me it was a learning lesson to stop doing things on impulse. You can’t mask what you are going through, don’t have, or who aren’t accepted by with shopping on a whim. However, you can plan smarter for yourself by making decisions that work for you and your future.

As life moves on, you will have loved ones that pass. No matter if it is all of a sudden or overtime they have to be buried or cremated. In 2005, I lost both of my maternal grandparents within six months of one another. I believe this was one of the biggest hits my family has taken in a long time. Thank goodness, they had life insurance, had already purchased burial plots, and my grandfather had already shared his wishes. My family was a wreck from losing my grandfather and then my grandmother months later. The process of being able to lay them down to rest was simplified due to their planning and what they had shared. I believe it is hard for some of us to discuss these wishes or plan for this as we don’t always want to think of these events. I couldn’t have imagined how much more difficult this time would have been if our family would have had to try to figure out how to pay for burying either one of them. As I continue to hear young and old folk share they don’t need to plan this out or have life insurance, it really makes me shake my head. No one plans to die in a car accident, a heart attack, a robbery, etc… they are all unexpected life events. You’re not guaranteed to live to a certain age. We have had friends die in their twenties and their thirties and believe me, it wasn’t foreseen. Life insurance helps your family, kids, etc. when these unexpected events occur. When my father passed sooner than we would have expected, thank goodness the funeral was already covered. The next thing to check after that is he person’s will. My father unfortunately did not complete this step. This is what I call the most chaotic step of handling the passing of someone when you have people that don’t have a mutual understanding. My father was very clear prior to passing, what he would have wanted done with any property he owned, his retirement that was in a financial institution, his truck etc. He had moments of wanting to discuss this when the doctor’s advised it was just a matter of time. Unfortunately, when you pass without a will all items should go into probate court when you have individuals in this that do not see it that way things can get a little hairy. For example, when a retirement money goes missing and property being disbursed without agreement of all parties. Do you really want to cause your loved one’s more grief by not being prepared if you could have been? Don’t get me wrong, I loved my Papa Bear more than he could ever know. We all live and learn and go through things that make us think of ways to do things different.

As I get older, I don’t understand how we can have people who are more worried about name brands, styles of cars, jewelry, but are unable to make their bills. It all comes down to priorities and I can’t stress enough how important is it to put these into perspective. Try and work on planning for your future before your family has to pay the price or you yourself suffer from the lack of planning. I have discussed a few ways, but there are other ways as well. Although I have gotten on track with planning for my future, it didn’t come overnight or easy. I have learned through my mistakes to make smarter choices with my finances along the way.

*Disclaimer, please read with an open mind and try to keep in mind this is simply to bring awareness. *

What is it about the world we live in to judge a person off skin tone, color of eyes, height, body build, and hair type versus spirit, integrity, intelligence, and character???

The movie Dark Girls focuses on the difference made between different shades of women in the African-American community. This movie does a good job of showing the impact of comments for all age ranges based on their shade for men and women. The one that stood out to me the most was the little girl they opened the movie with. A young child with beautiful skin, just gorgeous but has issues with her skin tone. She is one of many that battle with this from a young age that potentially can carry over into one’s adulthood.

As I think back to my childhood, I recall a time of battling with this myself. It was never due to any name calling, bullying, or family put downs. I just for some reason for years thought I was darker than I actually am. I was the darkest person on my mother’s side of the family and just always saw myself as darker skinned. It took me getting into college and being nicknamed Butterscotch (this was purely based on me going by Kandi and my skin tone) for me to really reevaluate what my skin tone really was. I for years struggled with the texture of my hair and going from round glasses to octagon glasses and to contacts. It was all internally my view of myself. I have always had big legs even when I was in shape. I recall praying for God to extend my femur bone so I could be a little taller, not much, but some. Lol. I was able to overcome my own perception of myself and start to see more in myself the more I learned and accepted that I was just the way God designed me to be. I also enjoy the song by Mary J Blige, Take Me as I Am.

My brother on the other hand, I have always admired. No matter if he had on glasses or contacts, a box haircut, or shaved his head bald. He has always embraced who he was. He is the type that could walk into a room and not know anyone. Before he left, he would have made friends and been invited to hang out. I’ve always been more of one to sit back and observe before completely feeling free to interact. Neither personality is wrong, but they can be perceived two very different ways.

I have dated men in the past that I have seen battle with even the colors they wear based on what has been said to them prior about their skin tone. I recall dating one guy that would always bring up that he was light-skinned and for the life of me… I couldn’t figure out why. When it came time to meet his family it was clearly because he was the lightest one of the family, but wasn’t necessarily light-skinned. He was just a lighter shade of brown and his family would refer to him by this when picking at him. However, he would make random remarks in reference to this and my family and friends were not as receptive to this as his comments came at the most random times. At times it almost seemed like he was proud to just be able to say he was light-skinned. Never quite got to the bottom of everything with this one ongoing comment of his. One other guy that I dated that was darker skinned used to only wear black, navy, and gray. As our relationship grew and we started shopping together I remember introducing him to other colors. His skin tone was so pretty and he never complimented it by wearing the colors salmon, cranberry, sea green, and lavender. However, that all changed once we started shopping together. It wasn’t about changing him, it was about introducing him to something he did not think he would look or feel good in.

In the many discussions with different groups of women, so many of them have been told they are pretty for a light chick or a dark chick. In the movie they have a segment of men discussing the shade of women’s skin. The interesting thing was although we all have preferences many of them based if they could talk to someone lighter or darker skinned on other things. They had different requirements based on the other person’s skin tone. I am sure many of you will read this and advise it this is based on unresolved issues, immaturity, and or society. However, these are the same men that will be out there dating, raising daughters and little boys to be men and advising them how to find their queen.

I say all these things to say that we as a society and as individuals in the society have to be more aware of the things we say to people and around our children and other’s children. Pay attention to the questions they ask and why they are asking them. Although I am not a parent myself, I see so many people feeling free to express their views and opinions around others little one’s without accounting for the impact it can make. I have witnessed people have babies and before anyone can congratulate the parents, one person is asking do you think they will get darker or their hair texture will change.

If we as adults can’t learn how to control how we communicate with one another based on stereotypical things, how do we expect our children to? If we can’t accept and embrace who we truly are, it leads to so many others down falls. People suffering with low self-esteem, questioning why they were designed the way they were, not recognizing their uniqueness will carry over into so much more. It effects how they interact with people, their work product, and so on.

Let’s try as a society to do better, no matter your race. Everyone won’t reach out to resources to get past their own hang ups nor will they choose to discuss it. Now days, kids are dealing with so many other pressures then when I grew up. The bullying, name calling, and blatant disrespect from their peers have become a norm for many children in school today. Where do you think they are learning some of these behavior’s from? It truly will open one’s eyes to the world we live in and what many look at before being respectful to the situation. I don’t want what I am writing to be misunderstood but I do hope it brings awareness.

So I ask again… Can I accept me? Can I expect someone else to accept me if I can’t accept myself???