K Joi – Page 7 – Roots To The Soul

28 Oct

October 28, 2014September 15, 2015K Joi Self Improvement/Worth 2 Comments

A Note to My Ladies

So it was put on my heart to write to my ladies, not really sure why. But it is what it is.

Dear Ladies,

Ladies, I hope you know the Queens you are and the Queens we are meant to become. We learn from such an early age, all the things to look forward to universally. What happens when life doesn’t take us down the yellow brick road? When prince charming hasn’t shown up? We haven’t had kids yet? Our careers are not going the way we want them to go???

I come to you knowing that we can surpass it all. I come to you as a sister that has been down the emotional roller coaster with education, relationships, spirituality, and other things in life. I know first-hand what it can do to a person when your life is changed in heartbeat and the dreams you had with one man are now just a fantasy, which in turns make you wonder if marriage will be something you will ever want again and question if you want children. What it is like to leave one career due to grief and needing to move back home into a career, you never saw yourself in. I saw all this to you to say STAY ENCOURAGED!!!!

I hear so many of my sisters (this is across the color lines) stories and how many aren’t sure how to make it through. We don’t know who to turn to, who to trust, who to believe in. For this, I come to you with one simple answer. Turn and trust in God. Even your nearest dearest friends will let you down, hurt your feelings, say something that stings, etc. It is not that you can’t take these things, but sometimes in the storm the clarity we need is not from everyone around us. We have to learn as women how to share, but also how to lean on God. I have no qualms sharing my life story with my nearest and dearest of girls. However, best believe I know who I can’t share the best secrets, fears, and worries with.

As women, we have such a struggle in building relationships with one another that have a lasting foundation. I can’t explain it because many of my #1s have been through the trenches with me; the lowest of low, things that my family has no idea about. However, I hear so many women talk about their friendships or men discuss them and how these women are willing and dealing behind their friends back to get at their dude, talk mess, or just perpetrate. My question to you is as a female, what do you gain from this? As women we can be so powerful in our partnerships. I would strongly suggest that if you find you have a hard time building partnerships with other ladies, you may want to evaluate why. I know very few women that have this issue and are without things to evaluate on why they can succeed in those friendships. However, so many choose not to take that route. If you can’t build friendships with people, how do we expect to be able to make it in relationships with our mate?

I am one that loves to people watch and with this I see the things women do to get attention from men, I am smh and darn near laughing. I just happened to be sitting by a few guys when some of these shenanigans took place. The odd thing was the women thought it was so cute, being loud, using ebonics, flirting beyond cuteness, and cussing. Dude later turns to me and was like it isn’t my cup of tea. He was like I have no interest in what they are putting out there. In that moment, I just wanted to chat with them for a moment, but these days we can’t just give constructive criticism to one another. Women take it as hating when another woman may just be trying to help you see something differently. I truly believe this all comes down to mind frame and maturity. I do believe women have the ability to pull a man that many may not believe is within her ranks, however, you may have to conduct yourself accordingly. I am not saying be someone you are not, I am saying be you and if that doesn’t work, then it may not be for you. One of the best things I have heard a man say on the Online Happy Hour (DFWIRADIO and TMIRADIO) if a man doesn’t see you at that time, there can be many reasons. Women should be thankful for this as he or you may not be ready for what it could bring. Many of us as women can’t take this though, we want to be able to show that man what a good women we can be. Ladies, I ask you to take it from me. You can show a man who you truly are and he may never truly SEE YOU!!! Know this and accept this and keep it moving. What the gentlemen said on the show is very true. I say all of this because I see women that are nice looking, intelligent women doing things to get a man’s attention and it doesn’t always go as planned. Is it worth dumbing yourself down, seeming like someone you aren’t?

As women we encompass so much more than many of us allow ourselves to provide to others. I know some of us would love to be married and starting families and this just hasn’t happened for us yet. We look in the mirror and we ask ourselves why, what are we doing wrong. My answer, you may not be doing anything wrong. However, if you have something’s to work on, take this time to do that. If you have that unfortunate “black women attitude” issue, if you have an issue with trust, a daddy issue, a communication issue, etc. Have you laid your past to rest and welcomed what your future has to offer? I could dwell on the fact of a broken engagement, money lost, and the embarrassment of living through it all. I promise you that if I hadn’t I would have never believed that one day God would send me that one for me, that was made for me, and know that I would want to be married versus disliking the idea because it did not work out with him. At some point you have to accept that it may have all worked out the way it was supposed to. You may not always understand your past relationships, have full closure, but take the learning lesson and leave the rest behind. Let’s start by working on what we can do to better ourselves. I know it can be hard to focus on that when we are doing it all at home and in our careers and are ready for that companionship that we know God has promised. I urge you to stay encouraged and make sure you are open for what marriage and children bring a long with it. Every person I know will share with you that marriage and having kids is the hardest job in the world. If you are one that wants to sleep the weekend away, are you ready for a companion that will require time on your weekends to build a foundation? If you want children, but can’t stand being around others kids… you may want to rethink this. Lol. I always love that one. People will say it is different with your own, but keep in mind the same struggles that people have with their children, maybe your same struggle. Not saying it will be handled the same or that rings true for all, but consider it. Marriage and children don’t guarantee you a rainbow leading to a pot of gold and you have to be willing to surrender to that mate if you want a Godly marriage and be open to accept your weaknesses and share them with you children when age appropriate to be a better parent in my opinion. Ask yourself if you could be married to you before looking for someone to join in that union. Do you have it in you to be the parent you want to be, when tired, when sick, when feeling like giving up. Having a little person’s life in your hands, changes everything. I hear you will never be the same. I truly believe this just with my nieces and nephews. I have seen perfection born with their births and they bring a different light to my life and they aren’t even mine. We have to learn to be vulnerable with people besides our girls. When we advise we are ready for marriage or that man of God, are we ready for what comes with it? If it takes us out of our comfort zone or into the unknown?

I had the opportunity recently to step out with a handsome gentleman that was just a friend. What a fresh of breath air it was to head to dinner with a man that has great conversation, opens doors, carries bags, etc. I must say it had been so long for me, I almost grabbed at my own doors. This action would not have made me wrong in anyway, but it just also shows that I am not used to this behavior. Is that wrong no, but can we be so independent that we can’t even enjoy a night out with a friend that has manners and want to treat you like a lady and looking for nothing in return. Sometimes we need a reminder that these good guys are out there. They aren’t asking for anything, just enjoying your time and you vice versa. We need as women to be able to build healthy relationships with the opposite gender without assuming it is all based on more. I know this can be a hard spot. I have run into a few men that have truly intimidated me in every way. It wasn’t even because they were trying and I can be sure they knew because people around me would say I became darn near stoic around them. I recall one that I built the courage up to tell I had an interest in getting to know. Believe me; I had seen him with all types of nice looking women. He had confidence in his walk, a smile to die for, appeared to have a heart to help people, and one that motivated me without even knowing he possessed that power. I say this to say; sometimes we do have to jump out of our comfort zone. I didn’t approach this man in a manner of trying to get at him although he was very handsome, but rather in just wanting to get to know him better. I am old enough and have been around long enough to know that the wrapping of a person only tells you so much. I know many women feel this is an avenue that traditional, down home girls just don’t do. My question is what is the harm in expressing interest if doing so in friendship? We may see someone and think what it would be like to be on their arm, but I would hope most of us want to find out more and not just base it on that.

I ask that we also look at the way we handle ourselves. As a women, there is nothing wrong with keeping yourself up, learning how to plan for your future (with or without a family), have decent conversation, knowing how to build foundations, searching for who you are and knowing what makes you happy and drives you. Take time to find the cloths that look great on your body type. Everything is not going to look great on everyone at all sizes. However, no matter the size, I have seen some women that truly bring it in the wardrobe department. They take the time to find things that fit and flatter their body type. I know that many will say that it cost to get items tailored, altered, etc. I do agree and am not saying to spend money there if that is not available right now. However, for those that are at this point, take this into account. Think about your clothes, shoes, hair, nails, etc. I am not big on expensive purses but for some, that is their thing. You have to know what gives you that confidence and that extra pep in your step when you walk into a room. Some of the women I see that do this best, are doing it best because they know they are killing it in what they have one and it looks great on them.

At the same time, find yourself. Find things outside of dating, work, church, etc that you enjoy. Many times I see women struggle in friendships and relationships, because they just don’t know who they are. They don’t know what they like and don’t like. They have not taken the time to get to know them. Find that passion outside of work if it is not what you do every day. Get involved in that one organization or charity you have been looking into for years. I know some will say; they don’t know how to find these things. Start by searching Google, going to the library for research (I know that is old school, but something about the library is just so settling-lol). Furthermore, if you have an interest in something and don’t know where to start, I’ll extend my helping hand to help find some contacts. Just in the start of this blog and before I have met so many people on different paths and been given contacts. Some of them are listed under my businesses I support blog (Nothing but Support and other blogs sharing entertainment and products), many can be found on Facebook, etc. We need to have something to stick our roots in and that brings us enjoyment outside of the normal channels in life. If you don’t know what this is, pray and ask God to reveal it to you.

Let’s learn to come together to IMPACT1 another and other women. To uphold them when they are down, to build lasting friendships that make it through the test of time, to learn ourselves and others to empower us to be BETTER, BOLDER, WISER, CONFIDENT, and most of all GOD FEARING.

Sincerely,
KJOI

21 Oct

October 21, 2014May 29, 2015K Joi Trending Issues No Comments

Locked Up Frenzy

No one truly knows a nation until one has been inside its jails. A nation should not be judged by how it treats its highest citizens, but its lowest ones.
-Nelson Mandela

Many of us know someone that is locked up for different reasons. I come today to discuss this topic after the many people I have seen that have been locked up and forgotten about. Are these people really any different then who we are daily, are they the ones that possibly took it too far and now have restricted liberties. I don’t condone violence, breaking the law of any sort, but I also do believe that many people make mistakes and after coming out of jail or prison they are labeled (which doesn’t help them trying to get back to a normal life). All crimes hold a different punishment, but something’s ring similar to people and that is losing their support system while locked up.
Many jails and prisons have these people in areas with no air, no heat, and facilities with rodents. I am not saying they have to have a decked out spot, but not everyone there deserves to be without air, heat, etc. What it must be like to know you made a mistake and wake up in the middle of the night to find snakes, rats, spiders out and the guards aren’t willing to assist in securing your safety.

I have known so many people that lost it all due to their decisions. I am not saying they didn’t need time to get themselves together, but I wonder what it is like to lose your support team in the blink of an eye. Once a person loses it all and only has walls, cold bars, and a cot left to their name…does it bring them to reality? Do they struggle with how to recover and rehabilitate? Can it be done when everyone you cherished walks away? Why do people walk away? Is it that we don’t want to be known as the person that knows someone who sold drugs, caught while intoxicated (although there are a ton of people that do this and never get caught), or the ones that trusted someone that was not who they thought they were. 86% of prior offenders go back to prison within 3-5 years. This statistic sinks my heart. Many will feel that this is not their problem as people have to have a certain mindset. However, I can attest that many will never know the struggle of someone that has a record that will always be with them. NO matter their talent, what they bring to the table, it is 100 times harder for a prior felon to come up. If they are released and can barely get a job making enough to stay above the poverty line, limited access to resources, and the reality that you will re-live your past every time you attempt to better yourself. Every application, every conversation about your future, every time you try to do better and have to revisit this instance.

I know a guy that was a football star in high school. He was known and loved by just about everyone he came into contact with. Only to fall victim to sleeping with a young lady that lied about her age. (please refrain from making judgment, know neither of us were there). Along with losing your scholarship came with a parole violation. Only for this young man to be young and less focused and breaking his violation. Missing check ins with his parole officer that resulted in violation of parole. He now has a record, has done time, and everyone that praised him has walked out of his life outside of his immediate family and a few of us. His boys left his side as soon as that sentence came down. He was no longer left to be reminded of his great potential but rather the label of a predator. I knew this person fairly well. I have tried my best to keep and touch and even visit from time to time. I see him and realize that he has the will to fight on and faith in God that all will be ok once he is released. However, I was heartbroken finding out that all these people that had been your personal cheerleaders when you were doing well, have now fled your side. They don’t keep in touch. They don’t check on your mother. They don’t even ask those of us that know you if you are ok and how you are. This man is not dead; he is doing time for a mistake you can’t correct. Am I saying I think he shouldn’t do time… I can’t make that call because I hardly know all the details. However, what I do know was the result of the people that claimed to be ride or die and down for life.

I am not speaking of our hardened criminals that have molested kids, serial murders, etc. I am a firm believer that there is a battle on Earth daily between good and evil. In this battle, some of us fall victim to weaknesses, mental illnesses, and simply making a deal with the dark side. However, I do believe people can change if they honestly see the error of their ways and give their heart to God. I hear so many people quick to judge one that has done time or has a record without knowing the story. I am not saying it will make it ok or understandable, but it may be more relatable then imagined. My biggest question is where does the support go?? All the family and friends that cheered you on that now have stopped making visits, checking on you, and writing you. How do we allow our everyday lives to take over us and not remember that their mistake is no worse than ours that may not have been shared? We can make all the time in the world to watch reality television, kick it with people that aren’t offering anything positive, but can’t make time to give back.

If one could take a moment and think of what life would be like without God’s grace and mercy and our support systems, it would be pretty rough. Our support systems allow us to remember that through the mistakes we make, we are not forgotten. I have seen people get locked up that had so much hope and promise and within that moment, lost it all. Many would argue that they deserved this as they had to infringe on someone else’s liberty to make it. I ask you to stop and ask yourself, do you know their story. What they were going through? Did they need help and society turned their back? Did they make a cry out for help but the people that were normally there were not there? I am not making excuses, just curious?

I know there are programs in place to assist once a felon gets released. However, do we help them just enough to fall back into the same situation? Or do we truly offer enough for this person to see they can attempt to live a normal life with certain restrictions? Law and Order aired a show (many are based on real life events) where a man that got out of prison after taking the rap for his daughter’s mother’s father was a productive citizen. He worked two jobs, checked in with his parole officer as he was supposed to, and was trying to get back on his feet to be able to assist with his daughter. One day the little girl was kidnapped and the mother said he took her. Due to his past being sketchy the police went for him first. Only to find that he had two jobs and was hoping to see his daughter more. Later on it came out that the child’s mother had her kidnapped for random from the family to pay her husband’s gambling debit. The young girl’s mother ran off with her husband and left her little girl alone after the truth was revealed. The police and CPS offered the father full custody so the young girl would not have to go into foster care. The young man was overjoyed to have his daughter with him full time. However, the same day he got this news he shared with the cop that assisted him in this that he did not have a place to live where he could take his daughter safely. He asked how he would he get there with no assistance from someone to help watch her while he worked two jobs? The officer offered him money for a hotel room and told the man, he would figure it out. Later that evening, the officer got a call saying the young man tried to rob the hotel. They got there the man told the cop he had no way to care for his daughter and he was taken back to jail. They checked the gun he had and it wasn’t loaded. Later to realize his fear became reality that he could not care for his daughter with the label he had been given and without assistance in someone being able to watch her while he worked two jobs to try and provide a normal life for them.

I am simply wondering if a little can go a long way. Making time to visit that inmate. Asking the family if they need assistance with putting money on their books. Writing the person and making sure they know they are not forgotten. I know many will say they don’t have the money to assist, but is it that you don’t have the money or can’t do without that bottle of liquor for the weekend, those cigarettes (that are killing you slowly), eating out one meal less, or drinking a few less Starbucks a week. I am not trying to lay claim to your money and what you do with it. Do you wonder if a little could go a long way? Have you been that person that was only in need? Were you met with people being open about assistance or resistance?

Being in a prison or jail can be just as bad as your mind being imprisoned by your past. Many of us can’t seem to escape the whispers that remind us that the writing on our walls stay deep engraved in us no matter how many times you paint them. So are the people actually behind bars with limited freedom any different than the women that have been verbally abused for years and can no longer see herself as God sees her? Are they any different from the person you see on the street panhandling, but have no idea what events took place for them to there.
Some will say it is not my issue and I don’t know anyone in this situation. One day you may and I hope you can keep this in mind.

Can we rehabilitate one by IMPACTING1????

14 Oct

October 14, 2014June 23, 2015K Joi My Visions 2 Comments

My Reason Why

This was put on my heart to share

I have been asked over and over again why I have decided to blog and work on a book. I have been asked what subjects the blog will address. Is there a certain flow or style to the blog? I have been asked when I will hit more controversial topics.

My reason for blogging is multileveled. My #1 reason for blogging is to educate and or bring awareness. I am not looking for everyone to be in agreement with me; however, I do have a voice to be heard. I used to be a shy young lady that only went after comfortable things. I rarely walked outside of my box and comfort zone. I by no means was an introvert, but have always been one to sit back and observe first. Freshman year in high school a teacher asked me about considering joining the debate team. She lured me in by advising I would meet nice looking guys. She neglected to share with me that this would help me even out my views on life, hone my communication skills, and would forever burn in my heart. After being out of high school, I went back and judged state qualifying tournaments for ten years. I felt it was a way to give back to the youth and mentor them in some way on how to be a better communicator.

I have had a fire burning inside of me to help people for as long as I can remember. I have been one that is always looking for a way to assist and find a solution. I have had a passion to help train and teach for years. I have had times in my career of considering leaving the corporate world to teach, but never did. I think something within me was scared to leave what I have always been accustomed to.
I recall a time of passing a homeless guy some money and heading to a different area to pick up something for my father. I came back through and he was still there. He asked me to drop him off at his hotel. I agreed by stepping out on faith with a quick, quick prayer. I took him through a drive through and dropped him off at his motel. He said he was staying there with a friend as they had saved up enough to stay a night or two. He shared with me how he had made a mistake with his family and they disowned him and that is how he became homeless. I know I was crazy to allow him in my car, but I always think of what I would want for someone to do for me or my family if it was us. I am by no means advising anyone to do the same. I realize what I did was dangerous and could of cost me my life. I am merely sharing the story to make a point. I recall another time of passing a women money in church because the spirit lead me to. As I passed it to her and saw the emotion on her face, I knew I did the right thing listening to the spirit.

How the name and project came about

The name of this project came to me at a trying time in my life. I had lost my father, moved to a new state, started a new area of my career, and was unsure what my next steps would be. I was sleeping one of the few times I slept well while living in Jacksonville, FL when I felt God speak to me. He gave me the name and at that time, I was wondering what I was supposed to do with it. I had no idea what it would come to mean to me in just a few months’ time into fruition. My biggest question was; how do I share my story and my voice and hold on to my comfort zone. Am I ready to share my views and opinions about faith, success, relationships, without knowing if people would accept me or embrace it? God advised that I t was time to step out of my shell and trust in him as things started to unfold, my journey was only to Imact1. This could be women, young girls, boys and men if they want to know the impact of their actions. I know that seems vague, but I believe if we were all to open up about the things that bring us joy and pain then people may have a better understanding of their actions. After considering the best way to do that, I knew I would have to open up and communicate more with my peers. It did not come without doubt and wonder. I know many people that have been successful in what they started and every now and then, you still see or hear that tinge of doubt or unsureness. Everyone won’t realize why, agree, or support; so you will have to step above that and know that if God said it is to be, no man can change that. The countless messages I have received from people that have taken their time to read what I am investing in and their opinions has been very helpful. It confirmed for me that I have made the right choice. I do it for all my babies (nieces and nephews) out there. One day they will have an opinion of who I am, who I became, and what I did with my life. I’ve struggled with the idea of writing a book, as that comes without the bells and whistles. However, it comes with an undeniable truth that if I can make it and have faith, so can anyone else!!!!!

A reminder to all

I ran into someone I hadn’t seen in years and this person just happened to share their story with me. They were so bold, candid, and forthcoming and with a story that many of us would only view or have nightmares of in a movie. I did wonder how they could be so bold, so confident, so willing to share. They shared with me because, God changed them. They have been more open about sharing what makes them who they are today because it will help someone else. As thankful as I was for this person just wanting to share what happened in their life, they hadn’t seen me in years. They weren’t worried about me judging them; they just were good with where they were. I could only appreciate and respect their honesty. It reminded me that we can learn so much from just being willing to share where we have fallen. I didn’t pass judgement, but rather found myself aww struck as it has been years since I have ran into someone so transparent.

My heart, soul, and spirit light up when I write. I have made some of the earlier topics lighter due to me wanting to give people a chance to get to know me and who I am. I am learning how to share my struggle through my words. I assure you there will be ups and downs along the way. However, he will equip you. Don’t focus on what people seem to support or don’t. Focus on writing or sharing your journey by letting God place your circle around you as needed. I have been so blessed to have support from people that I did not know very well prior. I am not here to say it will be easy. You will have times that people will not support and they may even hurt your feelings along the way. I am here to remind you to keep dusting yourself off and focus on the unending desire that you can’t ignore. You have to believe in yourself first beyond measure (this will come with time).This will be hard at first, but know God did not put this in you to leave you alone. He will provide avenues you did not see coming to assist you. I have had an opportunity to be on online radio, have a commercial (still seems unreal to me), start t-shirts, opening up about myself and my news. I promise you it will be a feeling like no other…. NO EXCUSES…work on that dream and make it a reality.

In my latest training class I had to share two truths and one lie as we are trying to all get to know one another. I used me being a blogger to see if anyone would think that was the lie. One guy, I hadn’t even met said he knew the blogger was true. This was our first day together in the class and this occurred about half way through the day. I share this to say that you never know what people see in you. I was in shock as he went on to explain that I was articulate and professional so he didn’t see it being far-fetched. I didn’t share this to pat myself on the back, but to share that you never know what other people see and will use to form an opinion.

I believe my greatest moments are ahead of me. I hope you will continue to join me on my journey and into the next step of writing my book. I am a blogger now, a corporate employee continuing to progress in my career, a family girl, a woman with more hopes and dreams. I am the same as the next person out there that put action behind their heart. My baby is now a blog. I live and breathe it. As I see the transition from barley speaking on it to wanting to wear my shirts everywhere and speak of the blog, it truly becomes your reason why. Feel free to follow me on Facebook and Twitter. Feel free to leave a message on the website to share how you feel about the content or if there is an area you would like to hear about.

06 Oct

October 6, 2014June 1, 2015K Joi Trending Issues One Comment

The Connotation of Being Black

Once upon a time there was a young lady that became friends with a young man that was a little more outspoken then she was. As their friendship developed, she called his house one day and his mother answered. She advised the pre-teen that she did not allow white girls to call her son and requested to speak with her mother. The young girl proceeded to put her mother on the phone as requested. The women advised her mother that this little girl was no longer welcome to call her house. The girl’s mother advised the women that her daughter was black and wanted to confirm the age of the women’s son as her son’s voice was fairly deep. This may be an interesting start to this, but it is part of my story. I was 12 when this occurred and was right at the beginning of starting to talk with boys on the phone. I learned at an early age that speaking a certain way and carrying myself as such would mean I may be depicted as something completely different based on the color of my skin, the way I speak/spoke versus what I brought to the table.

In an article from CNN, the President stated, “Sometimes African-Americans, in communities where I’ve worked, there’s been the notion of ‘acting white’ — which sometimes is overstated,” he told the group. “But there’s an element of truth to it, where, OK, if boys are reading too much, then, well, why are you doing that? Or why are you speaking so properly? And the notion that there’s some authentic way of being black, that if you’re going to be black you have to act a certain way and wear a certain kind of clothes, that has to go. There are many different ways for African-American men to be authentic.”

So many times, our children now days start to learn this same lesson mentioned above. They learn it through the shows they watch, the music they hear, the environment they are around, and the way people treat or what they say to them. I am by no means saying we don’t all have some preconceived notions of people on site, but rather it is how you react that makes the difference. I hear people discuss perception versus reality all the time. I am not sure how you evaluate this on the daily basis, but know we all have times of looking different from what people perceive us as. I have seen the battle in so many attempting to fit between the color lines based on where they felt most comfortable. Their comfort level may vary based on how certain people treat them, the response to mistakes, the stereotype, etc. I titled this as I did as this has been an ongoing issue. I am not indicating this is everyone in the world. However, if it brings awareness to you as you live your life, then by all means… I have done what I needed to do. I can’t begin to understand why kids would want to run around holding their pants vs wearing a belt. I can’t understand why someone would prefer to do things that attempt to label them or throw them into a certain category. However, those doing this don’t make them wrong. Just since I have been around, people are quick to label kids that wear their pants below their waste, gold teeth, tattooed up, smoking blacks (this is not weed), and loud gansta rap. The comment acting black or acting white, irritates the hell out of me!!! You can’t act a color, but if your mindset agrees with this comment then you are influencing and sharing those views with people around you. Views that are being passed on to the kids and the future of tomorrow. They don’t come out of the womb caring if someone is white, brown, dark, light, natural or straight hair. Behaviors are learned and carried on, they aren’t birthed with these.

My question is, do you agree? Does being black bring a connotation with it, either good or bad? Do you think people have certain apprehensions when it comes to black people that they do not have about White, Asians, Indians, etc? If so, why is that? We can’t simply say crime rates and drug use. Many people that I have had these convos with based this on a small select group of people they have been around or had bad dealings with. My issue with that is all races have some bad apples; it isn’t just the black race. I have heard people say that their parents don’t mind them bringing someone of another race home as a friend, but if they were to bring someone they were dating home, they know the person they bring home could not be black. I would ask why is that…well it is due to what has occurred with past people we have known that were black. Huh?? What does this mean. Do we judge an entire race off of certain encounters with different individuals?

The movie Imitation of Life is a perfect example. This movie shows a young girl running from her background due to trying to get a better opportunity. Now in the day this was made, her being another race made a difference for her to advance. She carried herself and surrounded herself with certain people in hopes that her race would not be revealed. So many may be able to connect to this due to the timeframe this was released. However, it still shows that being black can come with a stigma that does not take into account your individualism nor talent.

The movie Dancing in September is a movie that shows a young black woman attempting to make it in the world of television and movies. She is striving hard to make a difference in the things she brings to people’s homes and to view for enjoyment. She ends up meeting a television executive that helps her along the way. They both have a similar vision. However, along the way one show that takes off that has a black cast is asked to do more things that seem “blackish” or that would seem to relate to others while still being in the black sterotype. She and he had issues with this, but ultimately did add additional things to “make it more relatable” that just happen to not be so funny to those trying to bring a different identity with black entertainment.

I hear the things kids say to one another through listening to my niece and nephews. My nephews are biracial and I know at some point they will be asked some of these things or some dumb parent of a child they are visiting will make a comment. I dread those days for them. They all dress nice, hair combed, love different times of music. I pray that they will only be viewed based on their characteristics.

I refuse to lesson my vernacular to help someone else feel more superior or less comfortable being around me based on my race!!!!

Does being black really only come down to speaking ebonics, dressing a certain way, urban hair styles and colors, talking loud, fake nails, fake hair, and derogatory things. Is there a way to act a color or race? If so, what depicts that race and why?

30 Sep

September 30, 2014May 29, 2015K Joi Trending Issues 6 Comments

Who does welfare really help???

(Disclaimer-I have no preconceived notions of people that have been or have ever been on welfare or maybe in the future. Ill speak on what I have seen, heard, and continues to come up in the media and stories I hear from people I know.)

The origination was for the government to have a way to help the unemployed and the underemployed. Most of what I read about went back to the Great Depression. In a time where the government was attempting to solve the issue that many families suffered no matter race, gender, or family make up. It was a great tool in place to assist families in distress. Welfare on the city of Dallas site discusses providing short term emergency needs to eligible residents. It is meant to be a temporary service until the party can return to gainful employment or gain other resources. It goes on to list areas of eligibility and how appointments are scheduled or you can walk in. Welfare encompasses all things from Temporary Assistance for Needy Families, Food Stamps, aid for the elderly.

However, over the years you have to look and wonder if the ropes are as tight on it as they should be??? I’ve heard the stories and known some people that were riding the system just because they could. Does that make it is my business, not really…but when we are speaking of my money going toward assistance to help others and many are using it for the wrong reasons then I will voice my opinion. Where does it come from? DID anyone else wonder this? What do you consider welfare? I personally don’t only see it as food stamps, or TANF, but we as fam and friends can be enabling others by providing this as well.
If people are using it for what it is there for…I have no problem. These programs can be great assistance to those that have had layoffs and unforeseen financial struggle. The stats found while researching this suggested that there is not enough money out there to help everyone that needs assistance. They noted that many of the families defined as poor actually have people working in their households, but just not making enough to be considered living above the poverty. The sites shared stories of women that have gone to school to make a better life for them and their kids and still have a hard time finding or keeping a job. I believe in those aspects, it is wonderful that we can offer that assistance.

I have known people that have been laid off and turned to these programs for help only to be turned away due to reasons like: your car is less than ten years old (even without a car note), you make too much (although after they take out for medical benefits, you can’t make a decent living). Just curious why you hear of so many people that need these programs and can’t get assistance, but on the flip side of the coin you hear of those using the system and they seem to be living on cloud 9. I don’t mean necessary luxury, but making it without the woes of working and having to care for their family. We have many people sitting on our system, making money, not raising their kids and aiding in the revolving cycle that their kids will get out and do the same. Don’t misunderstand; some kids will break that cycle. However, when a person that has multiple kids, unable to work due to being on disability and is legally married claims on paperwork not to be legally married to get more benefits; there is a concern. Why is there not a way to check this? How is it that we continue to support someone in the system continuing to have kids they can’t care for? If you have one child and things happen or multiple kids that you were able to take care of prior, most people understand financial turmoil and can see past that. If your life has revolved around getting over on the system with psychological issues that don’t actually exist, continuing to have kids, not running a structured household (I know this is subjective), and the cycle starts back over with your children doing the same thing. Shouldn’t something be done, said, stopped? I mean, I have worked hard for years. I have had my struggling moments and not that I fault people for turning to the program as that is what it is there for. I fault them for abusing it. I wonder daily how it is that people can abuse this system and not be criminally charged for theft, but people that make options for their own body like smoking weed are put in jail for their choice to do something to themselves. At least it is a personal choice, if they want to spend their money on it… I could care less. However, when you are speaking of reaching into my pockets, people I know pockets…it gets me on my soap box. Is there a reason why people on these programs can lie about marriage and get away with it? I am not randomly picking this stuff up. I have had people tell me that is how they keep a certain amount of money coming in while their husband works. They have had their kids trained to do or act a certain way during evaluations in order to get disability checks or discussed taking in other kids they knew and advising up front the amount they could get for caring for them. We are speaking of functional kids, no learning disabilities, no handicaps, just being taught from their environment that this is ok. Then when they are popping out kids in high school and focused on having another before trying to graduate rather on building their future or finding a legal job, there is something to be said. In that particular scenario, I thought it was odd that the mother felt it was ok for her sons to keep this behavior up, but told her daughter she better not come home pregnant. NOW WAIT A MINUTE!!!!! WHAT THE HECK DOES THIS SAY TO YOUR DAUGHTER? I accept what they are doing because of what nonsense. Thank goodness for that little girl, who did graduate without a child and I believe it was because she had to assist in caring for her nieces and nephews as her teen brothers and sisters were not fully able to. But wait!!! Did you bring this child up in this way? Did you help them see a world where you don’t have to have a 9-5 or a manager looking over them or teaching them that nothing comes without hard work? What kind of kids are we putting back in society to date our sons and daughters if they think that life is about lying and cheating? Does a son that sees his father at home all day, feet propped up, doing nothing but playing video games gain respect for him as a hard worker? Does a daughter watching her mom day after day never attempt to work, want to have the same drive and ambition? Please understand in these environments it is 100xs harder to walk out on faith and decide to do better. I have heard men say it about their baby mommas and vice versa about their baby daddies (I don’t personally care for these terms). I wonder how people that sit home and aren’t trying to do better feel knowing their kids are learning either how to be like them or have resentment toward them. What is the uproar about drug testing for a county program??? If productive citizens are drug tested and screened before being offered a job…is there a reason why county programs don’t offer the same. They they have implemented this based on screening assessments. Do you think if a criminal thinks like a criminal they would answer this honestly knowing they could lose their “benefits”? I guess some would say yes, as some would, but majority won’t.

I do believe sometimes we become a person’s welfare as well. If we have become a parties personal ATM, then we maybe enabling them. I am not speaking of scenarios of assisting here and there. I am speaking of fully supporting people that are not willing to get out and be productive. I have been guilty of this one too. I haven’t always known when I may not really be helping someone by passing funds over and over, but really hindering them because there was no effort there. I truly believe this is a form of welfare. I have worked two and three jobs at times to make ends meet. So… I have to say looking at what I have done for some, probably wasn’t the best. I have had those that I have asked, can we sit and evaluate where your money is going. I was generally met with a stern no. My response was, then if you continue to expect for me to support your living style… we will want to evaluate that as I am unsure if you truly need my help or are just becoming dependent on it.

Don’t misunderstand by this blog; I am a generous and caring person. I do not have respect for anyone that is willing to live on the system because they will not make an effort.

Are you someone’s welfare check? Do you know people abusing the system on welfare or making no effort?

22 Sep

September 22, 2014June 1, 2015K Joi Spiritual 4 Comments

The Power of Strongholds

What has happened in your life that has brought on doubt, disappointment, concerns to move forward? Where does it all begin? Is it in what you see, hear, or your own internal make up? What from your past is holding you back? Is it a prior relationship with your parent or parents or lack thereof? Is it a history of physical or verbal abuse? A prior rape or molestation? Infertility or early age pregnancy?

I am a strong believer that strongholds exist and have the power to withhold you from reaching your destiny. I believe there is a battle daily on earth between good and evil. In this battle you will have to decide how you equip yourself to move forward. Do you fall down on the battlefield or do you fight with all your might through the days of tears and pure feeling like crude? A spiritual battle can be one of the toughest to endure. The struggle is real as they say. Strongholds are things that can weigh you down from reaching the heights the Lord has for you. Everyone may not be a believer, but all people have the worry of overcoming strong family issues or things your family has not seemed to be able to succeed past. I am a strong believer that strongholds exist and have the power to withhold you from reaching your destiny.

I feel the biggest ones amongst me have been financial, relationships, and secrets. I have shared a little in prior blogs about financial and relationships; there will be more to come in the book. The power in secrets is that they bind you to a fearful aspect of failing and letting others down that binds you like roots to a tree. I have been beyond guilty of this one. A secret in our lives is what the devil will play on even more. The devil knows we keep them due to fear and embarrassment. In these times, I felt that I could feel the devil breathing on my neck. That is real talk folks… the pressure of knowing he is waiting, watching, cheering and planning on you to fail is 100% real. As the scripture says, he was sent to steal, kill, and destroy. He knows your family secrets, your weaknesses, the areas to hit you at when you are already on the ground. The reason for this fear and embarrassment is due to not wanting to seem dumb, not have it all together, and just admit what we could have done differently. I truly believe to be able to break any stronghold; you also have to learn to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. At some point you must allow yourself to breath from the situation, reflect, and rebuild. God calls us his people for a reason. He did not give his only son to taunt us for our daily sins. He granted you an opportunity to eternal life and a place to leave it all behind you. So many of us struggle with this. Believe me; I haven’t shared as much in this blog as yet is to come. This is allowing me to gear up to the points that will be listed in sharing my story in a more detailed manner.

As parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends are you willing to share your story without being worried about tarnishing our own name or image. (I am speaking of age appropriate stories.) My dad did not battle with this with me and if he did, I would have never known it. He was one that viewed it as you are my daughter and I would rather share my mistakes with you then see you repeat them because I did not advise you. He shared things that even at times my mom questioned him on why he would share such things. I came to love that that as my father always saw me as mature and having a good head on my shoulders and therefore we were always able to have candid heart to hearts. He was wise enough to know that as much as we discussed there were going to be something’s in the world that would come my way and I would have to decide what to do and perhaps if I knew the good, bad, the ugly then I can make an informed decision. My Momma Sharon was one the same. She was one of my girl’s moms, who have now passed. She not only knew how to be open with her own daughter, but as well with her besties. She let us know that we could always speak openly to her about anything. She never brought judgment or anger. She may have had a few choice words, but it was all in the way of guiding us to see all options. I believe communication helps people through so much, but we have to learn how to discuss things. The same as these two people were transparent with me is the same way I have had to become with God. I have given it all up to God. From the family that has wronged family, the friends that weren’t real friends, the people that stole from my father after his passing, the siblings that weren’t siblings until they felt it was convenient and forgiven myself for every mistake that I’ve made in my journey that was a repetition of something my family or circle has had strongholds from.

God has a way of tearing us down and opening us up like a budding flower to see things a different way. You may not feel like yourself while battling strongholds and that is normal. As your insides break down like leaves fall from a tree, you will have some break down moments and that is ok. As you make the decision to move forward and not let the stronghold conquer you; rely on the strength of God and know your faith will be tested along the way. Tell God your fears and trust in him to have your back. You will need to concede to him in the same way a new born babies relies on its parents for everything. You have to be willing to give in and share with him as you do your girls and your boys. Tell him your strongholds and watch him break every chain for you. Know and find the power in your tongue and actions. Believe God has more for you than your trials and tribulations…. There is power in the name of Jesus…. There is power in the name of Jesus. To break every chain, break every chain, break every chain. Lend an ear to Tasha Cobbs song –Break of Chain. It will get get your spirit ready. 

So I’ll leave with this… Are you aware of your strongholds? How do you overcome them?

15 Sep

September 15, 2014K Joi Trending Issues 3 Comments

Where is the Service in Customer Service?

What does excellent customer service mean to you? Is it a greeting as you enter the business? The personality of the party assisting you as you browse? Is it the quality of the product and the people representing it? What drives you to keep going back to certain places, if it isn’t the service?

Customer service is something that every business strives to gain magnificent ratings in. The review of this is normally done with or through surveys, secret shoppers, and examining complaints. Service normally determines if you will visit that business again.

My family is huge on customer service. It stems from personality to the quality of whatever the business is serving. We have traveled miles to stores to grocery shop at a particular store due to the customer service. I have an aunt that will not drive out of the drive through without making sure if she orders fries somewhere that they are pippin hot. If they aren’t, she will ask if they would serve cold, burnt fries to their mothers, sisters, or family. LOL… When I was younger I didn’t get it. However, now being older and working for my money, I definitely understand it. I have a friend that will not shop at a particular business if the parties working there are not polite as they greet her on her way in the business.

Every position I have held centered on customer centricity. No matter while assisting internal or external customers, the particulars of the position did not matter. Yep, internal customers count as well. In the positions I have held that focused on the customer, those interviews particularly focus on your customer service experience. For example, tell me about a time you provided great customer service and tell me about a time you made a promise to a customer and did not meet the deadline. In those roles this should never be hard to answer as you do it daily if focusing on the right things with your business. They want to know before they hire you how you handle the customer. They don’t mind hearing your mistakes; it is more about how you recovered and handled the customer after a situation went haywire.

I personally won’t spend money in an establishment that has poor customer service on multiple occurrences. This goes from things as grocery stores, restaurants, car maintence facilities, and hair stylist. I have time under my belt in the education, serving, car sales, and corporate world arena. As a server, I would have lacked in tips if customer service did not come first. My tips were pretty good as I tried to approach it in the way of how I would like to be treated. One customer would point at items as he requested them with nonverbal gestures. I assumed he was unable to speak due to this. We even had a few times that he ordered that I had a hard time understanding what he needed. He still never said a word. Later, I look over at the table and he was speaking with the people he was there with and showed no sign of struggle in talking. What in the world… why would someone attempt to communicate with a server in nonverbal gestures, but can speak without any mishaps. SMH… In the education role as a recruiter, I let my personality shine and let my drive for education be the priority. The university I recruited for was big on wanting to make sure that as we promote higher education, we were to also focus on making sure it was a good fit for the student. I loved the fact that we were not just about getting someone to apply and join our campus just based on a number. I was attending school fairs, giving speeches on the importance of higher education, speaking at preview events for the university. There was no time for letting my attitude or a bad day get in the way. Believe me I do give that as an out normally when I receive bad service. During my time in car sales, simply put, there would have been no car sales without customer service. I recall lending a helping hand to women that was old enough to my grandmother. She had been in a car accident and totaled her car out. She decided to retain it for salvage as she wanted to research and see if she could get the best deal for it. She was very particular as to what she was looking for based on her age (she reminded me a few times, this maybe the last car she would buy), her fixed income, and needing to make sure she could assist in picking up her grandkids. She initially wanted to find something in the 2008 to 2010 range, somewhat worried about the mileage, warranty, and the car note. I listened to her story and concerns as well as shared that I might be able to get her a better deal on something newer that would generally have less warranty issues. She was very hesitant to go with a newer vehicle. I tried to explain that I understand her concerns, but the role I was in, I needed to educate her on the best option and she could determine how to move forward. It took two months to close the deal. My GM was concerned we had lost the deal. I didn’t have this concern so much as I talked to her over the phone once a week, I would pick her up to come in and view cars, called to discuss options, and arranged to get her car towed in for review. She did eventually buy a vehicle with me and she did share the reason she did not look elsewhere over time was due to the customer service. She was probably one of my most memorable customers. For me, it wasn’t about making money off of her and getting her into just anything. I think sometimes people get so caught up in the $$ signs in their eyes, that they don’t consider what they may not be sharing or doing that will benefit the other person.

If you continuously run into an issue with customer service. You may want to make sure that you are not giving off vibes that are causing this. Not that I am making this an excuse. I have seen some customers in stores be rude, yell, and act pretty embarrassing when the person providing the service is not doing anything wrong. In the event, it is not you…you may want to evaluate the places you are visiting and spending your money at. Although, in any role you have to be prepared to take the brunt of what someone gives off, even if you aren’t the person they are mad at while complaining or discussing an issue. I was in CVS the other night after work and as I approached the cashier, him and a woman seemed pretty deep in a discussion. I waited patiently until it was my turn. Once it was and the young lady had exited. The cashier proceeds to tell me the woman was upset, I thought that was odd as she just seemed engulfed in their discussion. He asked if I would like to discuss what they were talking about. I advised I had no idea what was being discussed. He said CVS was not going to be selling cigarettes anymore. He said the lady said that was dumb and then referenced it to weed laws. He said he had no idea where she was going with it, but just went along with the conversation. I said I would pass on that conversation and wished him a good night. Was it great customer service for him to extend on the conversation with the customer that wanted to share her opinion on cigarette sales and then into legal weed? I thought he did a great job of letting her vent and then she left. He didn’t have to share his opinion or details. She just wanted to be heard. I had to laugh in my head because we have all been there when a customer goes from what is going on to another topic and your gracefully wait for them to finish. :)

I have been with the company I am with now for almost eight years and this has been one thing that has been a top priority for the company since I started. They evaluate it when they review for performance and do quality monitoring. They are looking at the way you are handling both customers, internal and external. The way you handle your customers will directly impact the bottom line of a business.

One of my favorite places to frequent is Ten Eleven Grill. They not only have a grown environment, offer different types of entertainment, but also provided awesome customer service. The Candra and Dewayne Bryant will make time to come speak with you and check on you. They have been recognized in articles for such. You can tell in one visit that they care about their customers and want them to have a pleasant experience. It starts from the door, to the serving staff, the cook, to the band to the poets, and that call comes from the exuberant attitudes of the owners. They make it known to their staff that they want their customers to know they are valued.

**I will be a guest on the Say Something radio show w Lady T, tomorrow. Please tune in at TMIradio.com from 6-7 CST. **

08 Sep

September 8, 2014May 29, 2015K Joi Self Improvement/Worth 12 Comments

Future Planning

What are your future plans?

What is your road map to get to those?

Are you saving?

Are you investing in 401K, stocks, and mutual funds or learning options for investments?

Have you thought about how your family will handle things when you have taken your last breath?

Do you know where to locate your resources for your future plans?
Most of us lead our lives in pursuit of what we will have in the future. No matter where you are in life, how do you get to the next step if you haven’t planned?

I didn’t start out so well on the saving tip, investing in my 401 K, or even planning for my future outside of incurring a ton of college debit. I graduated college and got into the corporate world. I didn’t start fully investing into my 401K initially due to my salary. I can make the excuse about my salary, but it was only me and I was living at home right after graduation for 6 months. I just didn’t take the time out of my life to learn about the best way to financially plan for my life. Three and a half years later I still wasn’t doing the greatest job in saving, but my credit was great and was planning a wedding. Doesn’t that sound odd… planning a future with someone, but not saving for a house or dreams to be met? When my dream tumbled down, I made some not so great decisions. I bought a luxury truck that I loved, but did not need. I was rolling a 2001 Mitsubishi Galant prior and it still ran great and was paid off. This Galant got me from A to B to C without having hardly any problems. It still had a decent paint job, could have used some tinted windows, but you get what I am saying. What was I thinking??? This suv took premium gas, had a hefty monthly note, and had three rows in it. I didn’t have kids and wasn’t married. What was the purpose for this suv? I honestly bought this on an emotional whim. It filled the void at that time for the embarrassment of a broken engagement. I urge you to really think about your decisions before making large purchases based on want versus need. Don’t get me wrong, I was going to need another car at some point, but something reasonable. We all live and learn and believe me it was a learning lesson to stop doing things on impulse. You can’t mask what you are going through, don’t have, or who aren’t accepted by with shopping on a whim. However, you can plan smarter for yourself by making decisions that work for you and your future.

As life moves on, you will have loved ones that pass. No matter if it is all of a sudden or overtime they have to be buried or cremated. In 2005, I lost both of my maternal grandparents within six months of one another. I believe this was one of the biggest hits my family has taken in a long time. Thank goodness, they had life insurance, had already purchased burial plots, and my grandfather had already shared his wishes. My family was a wreck from losing my grandfather and then my grandmother months later. The process of being able to lay them down to rest was simplified due to their planning and what they had shared. I believe it is hard for some of us to discuss these wishes or plan for this as we don’t always want to think of these events. I couldn’t have imagined how much more difficult this time would have been if our family would have had to try to figure out how to pay for burying either one of them. As I continue to hear young and old folk share they don’t need to plan this out or have life insurance, it really makes me shake my head. No one plans to die in a car accident, a heart attack, a robbery, etc… they are all unexpected life events. You’re not guaranteed to live to a certain age. We have had friends die in their twenties and their thirties and believe me, it wasn’t foreseen. Life insurance helps your family, kids, etc. when these unexpected events occur. When my father passed sooner than we would have expected, thank goodness the funeral was already covered. The next thing to check after that is he person’s will. My father unfortunately did not complete this step. This is what I call the most chaotic step of handling the passing of someone when you have people that don’t have a mutual understanding. My father was very clear prior to passing, what he would have wanted done with any property he owned, his retirement that was in a financial institution, his truck etc. He had moments of wanting to discuss this when the doctor’s advised it was just a matter of time. Unfortunately, when you pass without a will all items should go into probate court when you have individuals in this that do not see it that way things can get a little hairy. For example, when a retirement money goes missing and property being disbursed without agreement of all parties. Do you really want to cause your loved one’s more grief by not being prepared if you could have been? Don’t get me wrong, I loved my Papa Bear more than he could ever know. We all live and learn and go through things that make us think of ways to do things different.

As I get older, I don’t understand how we can have people who are more worried about name brands, styles of cars, jewelry, but are unable to make their bills. It all comes down to priorities and I can’t stress enough how important is it to put these into perspective. Try and work on planning for your future before your family has to pay the price or you yourself suffer from the lack of planning. I have discussed a few ways, but there are other ways as well. Although I have gotten on track with planning for my future, it didn’t come overnight or easy. I have learned through my mistakes to make smarter choices with my finances along the way.

01 Sep

September 1, 2014May 29, 2015K Joi Relationships 7 Comments

3 Core Values in a Dating Relationship

When I think back over time about my dating relationships, three things ring key to me that were important in all of them. I have not been a serial dater, but have had my share of serious boyfriends over the last 10 years. The three things I will discuss below are things that could have been worked on in all of them and if they had, one of them might have just been Mr. Right. It takes two in a relationship to make any of the things below work. One person can strongly pull the relationship in all these areas, but if both are not willing to make these a priority I think it will be hard to fully gain the full potential in the relationship from either person. However, this is just my opinion. This blog will be from the viewpoint of women in heterosexual relationships. I can’t speak from other standpoints as they have not been my experiences.

Communication

I listed communication first on purpose. We start early on in our lives learning how to communicate. As a baby you watch and associate movements, sounds, and visions with certain things all before we learn how to talk. As we grow up, many of us communicate with people similarly to the way our family and friends did in our environment growing up or you realized that you wanted to have a different style of communication. The things we experience with growing up have a lot to do with the way we manage our relationships. I am not saying that rings true for everyone. However, I would strongly say majority of people. As you are learning yourself, maturing, and starting to date many of us learn how to communicate with the opposite gender or same depending on your dating preference. Communication can vary from verbal, body language, and nonverbal cues. One must think of how they would want to be talked to before they enter into relationships with their preference in gender for dating. Many of us will speak of what we want out of a relationship but have no idea how to effectively communicate in our everyday lives through family and friends. As two people are getting to know one another the way you communicate with one another can play a big role on where things are headed. In my early 20’s the way I communicated with men is different than the way I communicate with them now. My priorities have changed and as I continue to grow the conversation piece is very different. I learned early on, I had no appreciation for someone with a lot of talk and no action or someone that thought they could talk to me “out the side of their neck” because they were not used to what I brought to the table. However, through it all it has helped me learn what I am looking for in a mate and made me think of the way I talk with someone I am dating. I have been guilty of speaking harshly or directing someone I was dating. I can’t say honestly that I knew or realized it at the time. Once someone brought it to my attention, I realized in that relationship I did that because I felt I could not count on that individual to lead me as a man would lead his wife and therefore we needed to discuss some things in the event that was where we were headed. The communication piece for me is huge. If I can communicate with you about my religion/spirit, my day, my family, friends, and my fears then I can be vulnerable with you. Communication between two people in a relationship many times leads to if a person can trust who they are with. If you can’t open up about the things most important to you, how to you ever grow to trust them? If you can’t open up about your mistakes or where things could have been done differently in your life, will you be able to do so when mistakes happen in your relationship?

Trust

Trust is generally earned along the way with most people. I was always different in this area as I would always give people my trust upfront until you gave me a reason to doubt you or not believe you. For most, this is opposite. Trust while dating normally comes along with time and viewing how someone can keep things you have shared or be there as you are going through your journey. Trust can easily be broken when there have been lies (even small ones), infidelity, and no accountability where there should be some. I listed trust next because for me if we have learned how to communicate while trying to date and I have given you my trust, and we are well on our way. We are headed down a pretty good road, not to say there won’t be bumps along the way. This is an area that is hard to repair once it is broken. I mentioned little lies above because many feel little lies won’t make a difference, but it really comes down to what you are trying to do in this relationship. If you are looking for something that you can start with a foundation and be built on; can you do that with nothing but lies (even the small ones)? Some would say yes and overtime getting on the straight and narrow will make all the difference and for some it will. Many would disagree as one little lie normally turns into more down the road. I can tell you from a female stand point that if you can’t be honest with me on the small things like shoes, hair, cloths, etc. then it will be hard to believe you will be honest with harder questions come into play. For example, I received an email that surfaces between you and a coworker. How do you know her? What was the discussion? I may ask these questions already knowing the answer, but wanting to hear if you are willing to tell me the truth. It is not about playing a game, but instead of jumping to conclusions one can just ask. I would say it can be approached in a discussion manner (communicate) this way your response and how you handle the situation may let me know if my trust in them remains the same. This is a real example from one snippet of my life and I can assure you that my response was calm in tone when I started asking questions. However, when you feel the trust is broken and someone you have invested years in won’t open up about it, trust in that person can change quickly. If the trust is broken or starts to be questioned; can you or do you still have respect for that person?

Respect

Respect is as important as love in a relationship. This was taken from the www.frankiejohn.com. I am not sure how you feel about respect, but I feel if you can’t respect the person you are trying to build something with, there may not be a future. As the quote says above, I think it is hard to get through the hard times with someone when you have no respect for them as a person, the things they desire to do, or aspire to be. Please don’t confuse this with agreeing to all or understanding them all. If you are looking to build a future with someone and have no respect for them, where does that leave you in the rough times? I know from experience that love is not always enough to keep a person there or a relationship going. However, with the three combined it definitely will help me figure out if I am willing to stay through those times. The view on respect, just as the other two areas will be different from person to person. You have to know what you respect about people or are willing to learn about them to see if you have any respect for them. Respect will not be used universally, so you also in the midst of building this foundation with this person have to be clear on why you respect them. I say this because there will come a time when something will be done or said and the peanut gallery will be get involved in these conversations. If you aren’t sure why you love and respect the man or women you are with, this will cause you to question that foundation or why you are there. Take time to get to know him or her for who they are and why they are the way they are; as everyone’s story leads to understanding them better. I am not saying you will respect them by knowing their background, but through this you get a better understand of maybe why they handle situations the way they do. If you choose to discuss their background or what makes them who they are, you are coming full circle back to communication.

As I mentioned prior, these are things I see as very important things in a dating relationship. I have been in some interesting relationships and learned something from all of them. They were not bad guys, but we just had different priorities and things to work on. In my prior engagement, these were all things that were great in the beginning, but over time did not stay consistent; hence I am not married to him now. I am not saying these three things would have kept us together, but things would have had a chance of working out if these three things and God remained at the forefront.

Please join me as I get to join Lady T on the online radio show Say Something on TMIradio.com on Wednesday, September 3^rd at 6 PM. She will be discussing The Ways You Can Tell You Are in a Bad Relationship.

25 Aug

August 25, 2014August 11, 2015K Joi Relationships 4 Comments

Friendship 101

Thank you for being a friend

Travel down the road and back again.

Your heart is true, you’re a pal and a confidant.

And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew.

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend.

The Golden Girl Theme song, I believe it sums it up.

We start to form and build relationships early on in life. From the time kids start daycare or play dates to the day we take our last breath. For many of us our first friends were our family, as they were the first people we could get some lee way with. My first friend was my baby cousin that is like a sister, Monika. We used to spend summer days, most Friday nights together, up all night playing Nintendo, playing pool and air hockey at her house. We may have had our first feuds with cousins (or I know I did), siblings, and friends from our early puberty stages. Friends essentially offer us that out from things we are unsure if family will judge based on. They are there through all the ups and downs of our life. Not all friends will last all four seasons and others will last a lifetime. I have been fortunate to have met many of my Ace’s at the age of 11 and gain some others along the way. Most of mine have been the epitome of ride or die in the sense of no matter what came my way they have never wavered. However, not all have been of that caliber, but I can say I have taken away great lessons from all the people who have gained the title as a friend. After all, a friend is a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection per the dictionary. Join me as I discuss the difference in friendships of men and women.

Women to Women Friendships

Women friendships vary on so many things. I recall being in sixth grade and meeting the first group of girls I became tight with. I had no idea that after 20 plus years we would all still be in touch. We went through first crushes, first kisses, driving, body changes, after high school decisions, and into adulthood. My girls and I have taken the time to truly get to know one another and be there through different situations. Over time we have spent time with one another’s family, trying new things, and new job experiences together. As women some consider friends people that they can share their hopes, dreams, and goals with. Many others consider a friend someone that they can go out with, shop with, and do other things they enjoy. I have had conversations with women that call a friend someone they can have around family, travel with, and can leave their man around. What I have found in most of my friendships is that, as women we lean on one another like sisters in many instances. Although this sounds like sugar and spice and everything nice, this does not come without some bumps along the way. As women go through different situations, there will be a difference of opinions, eyes rolling, and attitudes. I know my group and I have only made it through by being open and attempting to be transparent. In those moments of attempting to be transparent we shared laughs, tear, and eye-opening moments. You have to learn along the way to accept people for who they are and learn how to handle those differences. Women can be the best of friends, but you have to know and understand what is valued by one another and be honest with yourself on where you are in your friendships. What is important to you with your relationships with your girls? Are you and your girls more like Sex in The City or Living Single?

Men to Men Friendships

(this will be off of what I have observed and heard)

Men tend to be a little more relaxed with their friendships. I grew up with a brother that was 6 years older than me and him and his boys were tight from middle school and up as well. They would play sports, double date, and can challenge each other at new things. The male perspective can be different at times as well. It isn’t always a close niche relationship that makes a good friend for them. They definitely may not talk as often as the women do, but their bond once formed generally is hard be broken unless the man codes are broken. I have seen men that consider people friends that they may have grown up with but don’t necessarily know the details of the other person’s life step by step. I have seen men that are there for anything that goes down and those that are complacent. However, I have also seen those friendships amoungst men that will be honest with one another, motivate one another, and advise when the other one is wrong. Can they be vulnerable or share their emotion with one another without having to worry about their man card?

Does a good friend for a man become someone who supports, stands by your side, or is your wing man? What makes a good friend as men? Are you and your boys more like The Wood, Grown Ups, or The Hang Over?

Women and Men Friendships

This one can be great but can also become tricky… I used to love watching Dawson’s Creek and 90210. These sitcoms showed this in so many ways. I think having friends of a different gender brings some great benefits. Men and women do often see things different and it brings in that diversity. I have seen my boys from way back to grow into productive men over time and we have been able to value one another’s opinions and differences. I have had some guy friends that always extend support of my goals and were there like big brothers when certain situations came about. I believe that men can share insight to how a women is viewed by men, what men value, and what concerns a man may see when looking at a women. I say this because in many of these friendships at some point they will discuss their dating lives and should be able to be open with oe another on what can be improved upon. I have found the best guy friends have been those that I can speak to about anything. One that knows me for me and accepts me for that and not in spite of those things. How have you found that men and women friendships have worked for you?

With any friendship you need to decide what it is you are willing to give and what you want to get out of it. I would recommend you to be open and honest with yourself and others when building these friendships.

The words that escape a friend’s mouth are “I’ll be there when you say you need me” but the words that are unheard from a true friend’s heart are “I’ll be there… whether you say you need me or not.”

-unknown

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