Author: K Joi

This subject is one that does not come natural to us. It is something that is either taught at a younger age or something you hope to learn along your growth path in life. Accountability can be hard to come by as it is not the easiest to take that route. It happens to be something that some seem to latch on to faster than others. We all view being accountable differently as well as how we correct it.

Many have said that if you don’t start teaching the little blessings right from wrong early on, it is harder to get a grasp on or correct later. You can’t teach this universally as all views differ, however, there are a few things that hold true. I believe that there is a moral compass when looking towards being accountable. At the young age of a toddler learning to share to the date you age to a point that you may not care what you say and who it impacts, can make all the difference. If we teach our kids how to be kind, considerate, and open to learning new things versus straying away from them, they are on their way to a good start. At the tender ages, children look to their parents and environment to learn what is acceptable and what is not. They learn what is right and wrong by watching our actions and the circumstances that are a result of or the discipline that follows. Keep in mind all discipline does not consist of physical contact. You have to learn what fits your child. My nieces and nephews tend to do better with a good talking and a discussion versus physical contact. If we can teach the little ones that learn so much from observing us and listening to us, it limits hope that you can work with or convince adults to look at their behavior. Children’s cartoons and music also discuss these factors.

I believe by the time we are young adults we start to form our ideas of what we hold ourselves accountable for and others. It may change along the years but we start to mold in some very crucial ways. We start to realize what others do not accept accountability for and what we think they should be held accountable for certain actions and outcomes. We realize that this subject is not only important in our personal life but in our careers. It is generally a factor people look at when they define our character. Accountability in my opinion shares some insight as to how self-aware you are. However, I do believe being accountable is more than just the party at hands to recognize. At times being held accountable takes those around you to remind you that you need to scale it back or could choose to handle things a certain way. Let’s rest assured that the kids that have shot up schools, everyone asked where were the parents, what did their friends know, did other students see them as a threat? They ask these questions because many times the tragedies that impact us and our country could have been stopped if people would step forward and speak up. Folks always say they don’t want to get involved or they wouldn’t want to be wrong. I think you have to ask yourself what level your relationships are on if you can’t be honest with one another. I EXPECT my folks to tell me when I am going overboard an issues that don’t require that. If I see people spiraling out of control due to whatever the reason, we should say something. I think it is so weird that some of yall are comfortable calling out certain people on things that are a stretch of the situation, but with others it is something you stray from. What kind of families and friendships are we building that are supposed to be subsurface if we can’t hold peoples feet to the fire. I am not speaking of being rude, or disconnecting from them. It is called effective communication. We pick and choose in those when it is ok. I can understand with acquaintances or people you don’t know, but for folks that you care about. I tell you… I’ll keep it polite and say it sucks and makes me shake my head.

Folks, this is not rocket science. Just stand up for something like they say or fall for everything. If you feel my passion behind this… it is because it burns my fire. We need to learn how to address being accountable in situations versus acting out. We aren’t children and there is a way to handle all situations. Rest assured I am that family member and friend that will call those on this. It has led to people not speaking, wanting to be around less, and anything else you can think of. The thing that makes that ok with me is knowing my reason and my purpose. I don’t move in the way of being deceitful or making people feel bad about decisions. If we have a hard conversation due to any situation it is because I feel we can grow from it. Holding folks accountable should never be about pointing fingers. Pointing fingers and blame only leads to people being defensive. Many times when holding a person accountable it is about the delivery, it isn’t even always what was said. I was notorious for that conversation with my father. I loved him and he loved me. However, many times when he discussed things with me he was not happy about, his tone and delivery took over the message. My father and I discussed things from A to Z. So these conversations happened here and there. Holding someone accountable is about the learning process and the growth. It is not about making them feel bad or some type of way. If you find yourself wanting to discuss accountability with someone and don’t think you can focus on what is most important then I would say wait to have that talk unless it is a life threatening situation. I say that because it is about the person you are wanting to discuss things with, it is not about you. Don’t make this about you, let them be the focus and be able to clearly explain why this is a concern. Feel free to expand on the positives or the way things could be different when taking accountability.

If you enjoyed this blog, feel free to read Dating 101 and Friendship 101. Accountability can make and break those situations. You decide how to handle it best based on the people involved and be willing to step back and evaluate it as if you were not the other party involved. Choose to make a difference and have those hard conversations because you love and care about these people, not because of anything else.

Time after time, I hear people complain about others and circle back around to themselves. I wonder how many of us choose to take the time and look at our reflection. We have all seen the memes of looking in the mirror and seeing something fierce or vice versa something weak. How do you determine when and how to work on you? Is it as big of a priority as it is to meet up with friends, do what family needs, or anything else? Many of us struggle to make ourselves the priority.

I can say that making the choice to choose you is not always the easiest. Many of us have the outside noise of others in our head from things and comments that have been shared in the past. I find it odd to hear how friends will speak to one another, family, and others, but don’t do the same things with other loved ones. I sit and listen to the words we decide to say to one another and take notice to the way people respond. It is not about conflict or being bigger and bolder, it is about choosing you. At times we make decisions in our lives that a limited amount of people will understand and support, but keep in mind your journey is not about them. Words can be so painful and leave scares deeper than the eyes can see. Think about what comes out of your mouth about yourself and to others before speaking. All of us have to look in the mirror from time to time. We all have to decide to rise above and realize it is not wrong to take care of me before everyone else. Now that I have your attention, let’s jump into it a little deeper looking at our Spirit and mind.

Your Spirit is more than something that has to be feed every now in then. You need to take care of our Spirit as you do yourself. It is the one thing that will keep you going when you aren’t sure if you want to roll out of bed. Connect your Spirit to a higher power that knows your journey and what you are capable of more than you realize and may have accepted. This is your internal link and opportunity to stay powered through all that the world throws at you. No one’s life is perfect, even those that appear that way. I have been there, I promise. It is not about focusing on that, it is about knowing how to connect and refuel and who to turn to. I am going to need us to stop turning to people for support that will call you weak and challenge who you are because you are not making the choices they agree with. Let your Spirit lead you to the reflection that can grow like a vine into a beautiful tree that will give more life and light than you can think of. You have a purpose, You have a destiny, and You are here for a reason. Some of us come into this later than others that is ok, it is all ordered steps to get to a purpose.

Your reflection in the mirror can say so much more than just what you see physically. Your mind has to be in line to head to the next level. You have to make up your mind that the things you need to do will take time, may take you away from your normal routine, and may cause you to feel a little indifferent. I urge you not to stray the course. Take the time you need to pamper, relax, and grow. Many of us feel taking this time makes us selfish in some way, that is just not the case. Our bodies speak to us in many different ways. Listen to what it is saying to you, headaches, aches, pains, unexplained fatigue can be signs that you need to just take a day for you. I am not a doctor, but many times as you start to make some changes in the direction the ship is sailing to it can be hard to adjust and accept that you are making you a priority. I promise you that most are going to do what is best for them, their families, and anything else. You have to make the decision to put you first.

I ask you to make the choice today… don’t let your past steal your future, don’t let the words from someone’s lips hold you back, allow yourself to be free and your story to be written by what is more important and that is you and your growth. You need to be at a good point in your Spirit and mind to be able to move forward. The reflection of you should be as positive as the grace God put inside you, as bright as the light shines from the sun, and as daring as you want to be. Trust and have faith in yourself as you do in many others. Be bold and brave and ask God to guide your steps that are designed for you only. Your reflection won’t match your families, your best friends, or people you don’t care for. Don’t let it slow you down, deter you, or stop you.

Stay tuned for The Reflection of Me Part II and if you enjoyed this blog please check out The Past Shook Hands with My Future.

I find myself wondering why communication has become so foreign to so many these days. They say it rules the nation, but to me it seems to be one of the number one lacking skills of people. I find it so odd that so many don’t seem to realize that we communicate with way more than what is traveling from our mouth to peoples ears. Verbal and nonverbal communication is something many of us can work on. It is the way we speak to one another without saying a word.

So much is to be gained through communicating with like-minded and non-like-minded people. Diversity is not just important in the workplace, but even when learning to communicate with people. So many people communicate in different ways. One way is to necessarily better than the others, but there are definitely ways that are more effective than others.

Communication through tone, eyes, hand gestures, body language also shows a lot about if you are receiving what is being communicated. If you are having a conversation and you can’t make eye contact, you may appear that you are disinterested in the conversation depending on the context of the conversation.

Although people like to think that while communicating with different ethnicities that you need to communicate differently. I disagree. The dynamic does not change. Learning how to communicate better helps not only in personal relationship, interviews, and everything you do in life but also generally makes the party more confident in discussions. I don’t know how aware people are about their lack of communicating in a positive manner, but I think it is one of those things that we could all stand to evaluate. Take time to grow and expand in this area so there are not issues with people understanding what you are saying.
Humans have so many ways to communicate but seem to also struggle at times with knowing how to do this. It shocks me as we start communicating at such an early age and should generally be pretty well at it by our adult age. I guess we have to take into account the environment people grew up in as many times that is the communication skill we may gravitate to. Most will do that until they have had a chance to live some on their own and recognize there are some areas that can be polished. It doesn’t always come naturally and I don’t think we should shame ourselves for that. It could have a lot to do with mindset and maturity in my opinion. My question is when or if you find that you need to hone this skill, will you? Can you ask for help? Can you tell people you are in relationships with that you know you need to work on this and are willing to do so? People feel that discussing a weakness at times doesn’t benefit anyone. I strongly disagree, it shows you are aware and that is the first step to so many things. I have been one of those that have stuck my neck out with some and said, you just don’t communicate in a manner that works for others you deal with. Some will say it isn’t my place, but the few that I have discussed that with were family or like family and we are able to speak freely.

Don’t do this for anyone…do it for you and yours and I can bet you will start to see some benefit to this. If you work on this and your circle or support team does not seem to make strides in communicating, know this will be more of a struggle. I urge you not to shy away from this, instead embrace it. I do not mean becoming hostile or starting arguments. Just know that with any growth comes with stretching yourself and at times others around you. Be patient with yourself, be patient with them and allow yourself time to work on this skill. Don’t stunt your growth to feed someone else’s ego.

Keep in mind, if this is something you want to grow in or work on with public speaking as well… I am available to assist in this area now as a tutor.

The word alone seems to make some people cringe. What is it about getting down to the nitty gritty and sharing our bare selves and souls that makes it so scary or a reason for flight? It is defined as easily hurt or harmed physically, mentally, or emotionally or open to attack, harm, or damage per Merriam Webster.  I see so many of us attempt to run from this avenue versus embracing it. What is it that concerns us most about this action or state of being?

I am going to say the number one cause of me not being vulnerable with a person is the concern of being hurt or not accepted. The question is how we get past this to allow ourselves to get to know people on a deeper level. Is it through accepting ourselves? Is it by better evaluating those relationships to see if there is a need to allow yourself to open up on a deeper level? I wonder what most of us stand to lose. I am going to go out on a limb and say that most of us don’t reveal that side of ourselves due to not wanting to share our story. As the Christian based song goes, you don’t know my story… The things that I’ve come through. When I envision the idea of being vulnerable I admit, I don’t allow everyone into that part of me. The reason is that I am not always ready to allow someone into that part of me.

I believe that when we open ourselves up to be vulnerable, the true us is released. It is hard to live with a wall of concern always up. You find yourself constantly worried about what someone will think or repeat and unsure how you will be viewed. I have noticed the people that don’t appear to be so concerned with being vulnerable are the ones that have dealt with past issues and are willing to share their story to help someone else. They understand that shedding a tear with someone while they discuss their fears doesn’t make them weak, in fact it enhances the nature of that relationship. Folks the moment you have to protect yourself from being vulnerable, you are having to cover daily, every minute, every second of who you are. I am saying all of this to say… breathe and enjoy life. One day sooner or later your lungs will fill one last time and you will never have a chance to connect to another soul. I would say that being vulnerable allows you to be free to follow what your path is. I don’t know who you pray to or if you believe in a higher power, but whoever or whatever that is… how much deeper does your connection come when you just let it all out. It makes me think of a time in college after overcoming some things with an ill parent, losing my grandparents, and facing the concern of crossing that stage being overwhelmed with emotion. I got home and fell on my bed and must have cried harder than I think I had allowed myself in so long. I prayed like I hadn’t in years. I was so tired of being put together and taking on things that weren’t for me to figure out… Don’t let yourself get there folks. Drop to that knee and say a prayer and be vulnerable with that higher power. God doesn’t judge us for crying, sharing our weaknesses, fears, confirming we are tired, and/or admitting we are unsure of where to go next. I know you can’t do this in all relationships, but when you think about friendships, partnerships; how do you get to know people on a deeper level without this? Are you blocking yourself from those connections and opportunities to grow?

I recently had a meeting with someone about my next steps for Roots to the Soul and I recall as she was talking with me and asking to get to my core tears came to my eyes. Imagine how embarrassed I was to be tearing up in front of someone I was meeting for the first time and asking for guidance from. She never batted an eye or came off opposed as she was listening to my story and my reason for blogging, writing, wanting to grow in certain avenues. Instead, she said it was good and that it gave her an idea of why I am trying to move forward in the things I am. If you know me at all, you know I apologized for this over and over. She never insinuated that it was an issue or a problem. However, what I can say is that the advice she gave me was different from the direction others had given me. She gave me some homework and steps to take to work on that path and even asked me to keep her updated from time to time. She had no idea how much it touched me for being able to be just met while talking and sharing ideas with her. If she had reacted in disgust or become uncomfortable then I can’t be sure that I would be able to share my story as I am learning to do.

Keep in mind that being vulnerable is not a charity piece. You don’t need to do this with everyone. Evaluate the situation. If you are newly dating someone, it may not be the best time to share every skeleton in your closet. If you are just starting a friendship, you may not want to dump the heavy stuff on them. Give it time in your relationships and allow them to grow based on their purpose, be mindful who you allow yourself to be vulnerable with as it is not for everyone and every situation. Stop trying to share a piece of yourself with someone else that has shown they are not open to that. As I have witnessed, men have to be careful not to show a women she can’t be vulnerable with them as once she is aware of that, she won’t be and he may be left trying to figure out what changed. Some women adapt to the situation and handle people the way they put out there they prefer to handled. If you proclaim to be for everyone and when the opportunity presents itself, you fight it tooth and nail… you aren’t being vulnerable, you seem confused in who you are. Stop forcing yourself to open up and being vulnerable with someone who has shown no interest in small talk or you. In rare situations you being vulnerable with these parties will make a break through. True enough some of them are just suffering and need to know someone understands. However, some really don’t have your interest in mind it is ok to admit and acknowledge that.

For those of us out here making an impact, sharing views, promoting products keep in mind that us being vulnerable is different as we are expected to be able to get down to it and open up. It is like a female getting off from work, getting home and washing the makeup off her face and changing into something comfy and putting her hair up in a ponytail. That is the person you want to get to know. Who is the person underneath the corporate layer, the dad layer, the sister layer, the radio personality layer, etc.