It is always something that has come up in relationship talks… Do men or women have more game in the dating arena? My question is, really??? I don’t think it is one over the other. I think the real people winning the game are always revealed. I listen to peoples dating stories almost as though I am going into a movie to watch an action packed movie full of suspense. Starting with the unknown truths, to the ultimatums, to the struggle to get to know one another….where do the barriers end and begin. I have to wonder as some describe it as WINNING as though it is like a board game. However, is WINNING just finding a good mate to date or is it really once you are in a successful marriage. I guess my view may be too strong… as winning for me will be once I have a successful marriage. I can date, date, date, but until that man finds me to be his wife and we succeed at those things to build a solid foundation for tomorrow and our family, then winning is over rated. After all, e census per thoughtcatalog.com states that nationally there are 86 eligible males for every 100 women. However, there are 100 million single people in the US, so one of them has to work out. Hmmm, so someone should be winning.
Ladies, Ladies, Ladies
So let’s open it up to some realness with no cute dance arounds. I find it amazing that some people that are in the dating world seem to be unsure what dating consist of. I hear women jumping into dating someone and feeling like because whatever he says are words to live by. They never take into account his actions or anything else that solidifies his word as bond. Why as women are we so willing to take him at his word and not focus on the surrounding clues? We turn away from suspensions, we turn away from him being honest, and we turn away from finding him in lies. What is it we are really looking for?? If a guy says he is dating and has not clarified you are exclusive or you are the only one; he more than likely is dating other women. I am just saying, it doesn’t hurt to clarify if you are not sure. I understand all the ones out there that are going to say men will lie. They will ladies, but some of the lies they tell come attached to the truth in our faces. However, we aren’t willing to accept that. Is he really the one at fault for that? I think we have to take some accountability. For those that are telling you, you are the only one and playing into every part of the puzzle, you may want to turn to your spirit of discernment if you are spiritual. In the same respect women, if you have kids and you guys two are serious and exclusive and he never wants to involve your child, you should recognize that and not sweep it under the rug unless your child is not a priority. If we are putting up ultimatums for men to marry us or stay… does that really bring any other security to your relationship that wasn’t already there if you feel he only did it because you put your foot down with a timeline? Other articles discuss how they can be really damaging to the relationship. Keep in mind that if this man takes you up on this ultimatum, that you will still have that lack of security because then you are wondering if it was just so he wouldn’t have to find somewhere else to stay, is he being faithful, etc… whatever the reason you gave him that ultimatum is not settled because he obliges to it. So and then there is the ladies looking for a man for what he can do for her. I don’t think there is anything wrong wanting someone to be your head of household that knows how to lead or handle finances. However, you may want to bring something to the table as well. No I don’t mean in a physical sense because anything can happen that changes that. I don’t even necessarily mean a degree. I know so many women with different backgrounds and have so much to offer in the way of it all and knowing how to accept and respect a good man. On one last note, states showed that most women (57%) said that their first impressions of a guy are based off of his body language and self-presentation. Just 38% judged him on how he speaks and a low 7% cared about what he actually said per thoughtcatalog.com. I thought this was interesting because it confirms although many of us women are quick to say we don’t focus on looks…something has to catch our eye about that man to peak our interest before speaking. It may not be as contingent on looks, but definitely the way he handles himself can say a lot.
I hear men say, they can’t really settle down until they find that one. I laugh in my head many times when I hear men describe the “perfect wife” as so many of the areas can be unrealistic. So I need you guys to get some reality as women have to as well. She isn’t Superwomen as the song by Karen White discusses, she is your helpmate. She may be a bad chick in the good sense of the word, by being pretty, nice body, has a career, holds down the kids, cooks, and gives you great sex. However, at some point things may happen where she needs your help cooking or cleaning and I don’t think that should be an issue. Cooking and doing other things around the house to me shows a mutual respect for one another. I do need these men to stop selling these women dreams that you know you could care less about. Just be honest in what it is you are looking for. If you are just dating until you find that one, say that. It is ok to say you plan to date multiple people until you find that one you want to get serious with. Most women I meet would be respectful of that and appreciate the honesty versus not advising of that. I know, I know… some women won’t appreciate the honesty, but that doesn’t mean you should not share the truth because of that. I think the best I have heard yet was a man that was dating a women, almost one year in, and still advising he can’t recall when it became exclusive. The funny thing was, not sure why that matters… but it got better. He went on to share that at some point she just switched how she referred to him and he never stopped to question it. He had introduced her to his friends and asking her to make certain meals, and knew she wanted to be married. He a year in could openly admit he wasn’t ready to let her go by having the conversation of not being sure where things were headed. I think just as women have to take accountability for doing some of these things, guys do to. Dude, you can’t be a year in with a chick and asking for things that most look for from a mate and think she won’t assume it is moving forward. I am not one to make that assumption, but many women will go off of a mans actions and words. I can’t say she is wrong for that if he has never stopped to say we aren’t really exclusive and I am not sure that I want to be in a serious relationship with you. Men, you have be open to letting go of one while in search of that other one versus holding on and not being transparent while seeking or waiting for the greener grass. It just does so much emotional damage. At the end of the day, if it doesn’t make sense to you. Ask yourself how you will handle it when it is your daughter being done the same way you treat women or your mom… That may help those that can’t understand this concept make it a little clearer.
We all want that one that everyone else wants. We want the guy with the nice body, great communication skills, and cooks, pampers his women, knows how to surprise you without asking what you want, knows how to be romantic, and loves you like no one else. However, realistically…. Since perfection doesn’t exist. We have known and learn what can work on both parts. If you have a criminal background or children you don’t take care of, you should share that too as the relationship heats up. Many men and women, won’t care about these things if they know before walking down the aisle. My thing is… I don’t think it is that men or women are better at playing the game. I believe the real one’s winning in the dating world are the people that can understand how dating works. The people that are self-aware enough to know what to share when and not scared to let those brick walls down. Don’t get me wrong… I know all too well how scary it is to get back out there and let someone in again. However, if you truly want to date and see what is out there for you, we have to be willing to take the risk. I know our hearts aren’t as easily repairable and trust doesn’t come overnight, but think about what you are trying to accomplish. If you know you don’t want a relationship but someone you just enjoy sexually, say that. Just as many people that want relationships these days are looking for just someone to hang with and enjoy a great orgasm from time to time. I can’t tell you what is right or wrong for you, but you need to know what that is and what works and doesn’t work for you. No one wants to waste time with someone because they just weren’t honest. Also, learn how to make some of those decisions for yourself. Everyone is going to have someone they share their business with, but you are the one that will be in the situation. Make sure it is something you can be comfortable with. So I do truly feel like the ones winning the game are the ones helping not add to the divorce rates by jumping into someone that you can’t have heart to hearts with, or someone you don’t trust, or see having children with. The winners are the ones having those pressing conversations with their mate as things progress. Let them know your past and make a choice if they want to stay. Balance who you share the details of your mate with as you don’t want personal things floating around out there as someone decides to share the details of your relationship with someone you couldn’t trust with it. Believe in yourself, your feelings, open up to the one you want if that is what you both are moving towards, be willing to push past barriers you have up… only do so if the person is worth doing something different to get somewhere you have never been.
If you enjoyed this blog, check out The 3 Core Values of a Relationship, Learning to Forgive, and Love and Respect.