My Past Shook Hands with my Future

My past shook hands with my future. As it bid my future farewell and locked the last chapter down. Allow this to happen in your life so you can be the result and success story of all the things your past agreed to lock away in the prior chapter.

I was listening to the radio the other day and heard Eminem’s song “Guts Over Fear”. This song really hit home for me. I have watched his story and heard so much, but still feel he is underrated in the rap game. I love the lyrics because it is relatable to most. He admits his faults in his past, his fears, and how he overcame them. Most of us struggle with accepting what has occurred in our past based on the choices we made. His title is so fitting and the lyrics are touching. I felt that he was just being 100% transparent in the song and sharing that he hopes it will help someone else. Many of us hide behind the fear of what has occurred in our past and others finding out, so we are not able to allow our past to stay where it should be. I speak from personal experience. I too have had issues with accepting my failures in life, where I am right now in life, and just letting go of what you can’t change. It is odd for me to say that but I have gotten to a point where I can be thankful for what I have been through as God revealed one day after speaking to someone I hardly knew and shared some of my story I was ashamed of with; that it is all falling into line. I recall after that incident just being filled with emotion as it was one of the first times discussing something that I had held in for some time due to not knowing peoples reaction.

After a broken engagement and questioning if I would even want to be married and have children, I questioned all events that took place with that. I was embarrassed to walk away from someone I trusted my heart with and saw a future with. However, the embarrassment came from within. I think I was harder on myself than anyone else was. I believed I had failed my parents by allowing a man into our lives and my family that was not going to be family now. After money was wasted, emotions were drained after trying to save the relationship, and accepting that something’s just aren’t meant to be. I found myself a little lost. So much came into question after this situation. It took me a few years to get back to the point of seeing or envisioning even wanting to be married again and have children. I believe it took me time to forgive myself and wondering if I left too soon. I had prayed and asked God not to allow me to walk down the aisle if he was not the one. I will say, don’t ask God for things if you aren’t sure if you want the answer. It shortly became clear that we weren’t the other ones soul mate and only became more real in a dream. I had a dream while engaged that I was getting married and I could not find my father. In the midst of searching for him hysterically and no one advising me where he was and why I only had a photo of him at the ceremony… it was because when that day is to come he wouldn’t be there. My father is now deceased and will not be able to see that day for me and that special guy. I urge you to deal with past issues from relationships and admit to yourself that there were some good and bad times. However, take the lessons learned and make sure before moving forward that you are open to meeting someone and being with someone without interference of your feelings for the last guy/gal or concerns for the same issues you two experienced.

Accepting the fact that one of my largest battles has been weight control has been rough over the last 10 years. It has seemed that no matter how many times I start to get back on track, it is just never completed. When you have picked up weight over the last number of years and you see the difference in how people treat you based on it, it definitely opens your eyes to what your future can hold or be blocked from due to it. I have had guys tell me that I am nice looking and that with losing some weight I could be really be something more. Of course with them not knowing that I used to be in shape with no tummy. However, you just learn that those people are not for you. Due to that over the years, I have struggled with so many things due to noticing the difference in how men will even treat you with more weight on you. I have seen men discount me due to my body not being in shape for women that had a body, but were thirsty versus really wanting to deal with that person based on who they are. Why is this? I have seen and heard men discount women doing things or lack of doing things based on the look that one brings with them. I don’t think there is an issue with having a preference, but I do think there is an issue with blocking yourself from getting to know people that maybe just as worthy based on weight that can be lost or without you knowing if they have a condition that has caused them to keep the weight on. I had to get my mind right and know that no matter my size, I know what I bring to the table. Don’t let what has occurred to you in the past based on your size or peoples remarks slow you down from your purpose.

So from financial mistakes to learning of domestic issues with people I adored, you have to learn how to deal with the issues that come up. Everyone will handle them differently and that is ok. If you don’t deal with the things that bother you the most in life your future will be impacted by it. I recall the day the Lord woke me up in the middle of the night to discuss my purpose and next steps. I couldn’t have been more mortified thinking, share my story. Lord you know it all and how private I am. You know I am not one that likes to disappoint people or be in the view of everyone knowing about me. As he reminded me that everyone’s story will help someone and it be some rough times but overall I could be ok… I had to step out on faith. I will be the first to admit, I haven’t always been one that has known how to let go of my past. I was one that would cling to people from my past because they knew the good, bad, the ugly and were still accepting. However, if those relationships (friendships or dating) are toxic, who does that help? I recall after losing my father and attempting to get back on track reaching out to a counselor and accepting that I had a few other things to deal with as well. I promise you I may not know your past but I have had one from hell at times and if I can overcome it, so can you. It may not be a cakewalk, but you have to want to. Forgive yourself for allowing yourself to love the wrong person, let go of the mistakes from 3,5, and 10 years ago. Allow your heart to breathe again. Please don’t block your past from shaking hands with your future and closing the chapters that have been written and engraved in your heart.

There is so much more to share with you folks and it will be coming out in my book where I discuss my life story and how I overcame the hurdles of life.