So it was put on my heart to write to my ladies, not really sure why. But it is what it is.

Dear Ladies,

Ladies, I hope you know the Queens you are and the Queens we are meant to become. We learn from such an early age, all the things to look forward to universally. What happens when life doesn’t take us down the yellow brick road? When prince charming hasn’t shown up? We haven’t had kids yet? Our careers are not going the way we want them to go???

I come to you knowing that we can surpass it all. I come to you as a sister that has been down the emotional roller coaster with education, relationships, spirituality, and other things in life. I know first-hand what it can do to a person when your life is changed in heartbeat and the dreams you had with one man are now just a fantasy, which in turns make you wonder if marriage will be something you will ever want again and question if you want children. What it is like to leave one career due to grief and needing to move back home into a career, you never saw yourself in. I saw all this to you to say STAY ENCOURAGED!!!!

I hear so many of my sisters (this is across the color lines) stories and how many aren’t sure how to make it through. We don’t know who to turn to, who to trust, who to believe in. For this, I come to you with one simple answer. Turn and trust in God. Even your nearest dearest friends will let you down, hurt your feelings, say something that stings, etc. It is not that you can’t take these things, but sometimes in the storm the clarity we need is not from everyone around us. We have to learn as women how to share, but also how to lean on God. I have no qualms sharing my life story with my nearest and dearest of girls. However, best believe I know who I can’t share the best secrets, fears, and worries with.

As women, we have such a struggle in building relationships with one another that have a lasting foundation. I can’t explain it because many of my #1s have been through the trenches with me; the lowest of low, things that my family has no idea about. However, I hear so many women talk about their friendships or men discuss them and how these women are willing and dealing behind their friends back to get at their dude, talk mess, or just perpetrate. My question to you is as a female, what do you gain from this? As women we can be so powerful in our partnerships. I would strongly suggest that if you find you have a hard time building partnerships with other ladies, you may want to evaluate why. I know very few women that have this issue and are without things to evaluate on why they can succeed in those friendships. However, so many choose not to take that route. If you can’t build friendships with people, how do we expect to be able to make it in relationships with our mate?

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I am one that loves to people watch and with this I see the things women do to get attention from men, I am smh and darn near laughing. I just happened to be sitting by a few guys when some of these shenanigans took place. The odd thing was the women thought it was so cute, being loud, using ebonics, flirting beyond cuteness, and cussing. Dude later turns to me and was like it isn’t my cup of tea. He was like I have no interest in what they are putting out there. In that moment, I just wanted to chat with them for a moment, but these days we can’t just give constructive criticism to one another. Women take it as hating when another woman may just be trying to help you see something differently. I truly believe this all comes down to mind frame and maturity. I do believe women have the ability to pull a man that many may not believe is within her ranks, however, you may have to conduct yourself accordingly. I am not saying be someone you are not, I am saying be you and if that doesn’t work, then it may not be for you. One of the best things I have heard a man say on the Online Happy Hour (DFWIRADIO and TMIRADIO) if a man doesn’t see you at that time, there can be many reasons. Women should be thankful for this as he or you may not be ready for what it could bring. Many of us as women can’t take this though, we want to be able to show that man what a good women we can be. Ladies, I ask you to take it from me. You can show a man who you truly are and he may never truly SEE YOU!!! Know this and accept this and keep it moving. What the gentlemen said on the show is very true. I say all of this because I see women that are nice looking, intelligent women doing things to get a man’s attention and it doesn’t always go as planned. Is it worth dumbing yourself down, seeming like someone you aren’t?

As women we encompass so much more than many of us allow ourselves to provide to others. I know some of us would love to be married and starting families and this just hasn’t happened for us yet. We look in the mirror and we ask ourselves why, what are we doing wrong. My answer, you may not be doing anything wrong. However, if you have something’s to work on, take this time to do that. If you have that unfortunate “black women attitude” issue, if you have an issue with trust, a daddy issue, a communication issue, etc. Have you laid your past to rest and welcomed what your future has to offer? I could dwell on the fact of a broken engagement, money lost, and the embarrassment of living through it all. I promise you that if I hadn’t I would have never believed that one day God would send me that one for me, that was made for me, and know that I would want to be married versus disliking the idea because it did not work out with him. At some point you have to accept that it may have all worked out the way it was supposed to. You may not always understand your past relationships, have full closure, but take the learning lesson and leave the rest behind. Let’s start by working on what we can do to better ourselves. I know it can be hard to focus on that when we are doing it all at home and in our careers and are ready for that companionship that we know God has promised. I urge you to stay encouraged and make sure you are open for what marriage and children bring a long with it. Every person I know will share with you that marriage and having kids is the hardest job in the world. If you are one that wants to sleep the weekend away, are you ready for a companion that will require time on your weekends to build a foundation? If you want children, but can’t stand being around others kids… you may want to rethink this. Lol. I always love that one. People will say it is different with your own, but keep in mind the same struggles that people have with their children, maybe your same struggle. Not saying it will be handled the same or that rings true for all, but consider it. Marriage and children don’t guarantee you a rainbow leading to a pot of gold and you have to be willing to surrender to that mate if you want a Godly marriage and be open to accept your weaknesses and share them with you children when age appropriate to be a better parent in my opinion. Ask yourself if you could be married to you before looking for someone to join in that union. Do you have it in you to be the parent you want to be, when tired, when sick, when feeling like giving up. Having a little person’s life in your hands, changes everything. I hear you will never be the same. I truly believe this just with my nieces and nephews. I have seen perfection born with their births and they bring a different light to my life and they aren’t even mine. We have to learn to be vulnerable with people besides our girls. When we advise we are ready for marriage or that man of God, are we ready for what comes with it? If it takes us out of our comfort zone or into the unknown?

I had the opportunity recently to step out with a handsome gentleman that was just a friend. What a fresh of breath air it was to head to dinner with a man that has great conversation, opens doors, carries bags, etc. I must say it had been so long for me, I almost grabbed at my own doors. This action would not have made me wrong in anyway, but it just also shows that I am not used to this behavior. Is that wrong no, but can we be so independent that we can’t even enjoy a night out with a friend that has manners and want to treat you like a lady and looking for nothing in return. Sometimes we need a reminder that these good guys are out there. They aren’t asking for anything, just enjoying your time and you vice versa. We need as women to be able to build healthy relationships with the opposite gender without assuming it is all based on more. I know this can be a hard spot. I have run into a few men that have truly intimidated me in every way. It wasn’t even because they were trying and I can be sure they knew because people around me would say I became darn near stoic around them. I recall one that I built the courage up to tell I had an interest in getting to know. Believe me; I had seen him with all types of nice looking women. He had confidence in his walk, a smile to die for, appeared to have a heart to help people, and one that motivated me without even knowing he possessed that power. I say this to say; sometimes we do have to jump out of our comfort zone. I didn’t approach this man in a manner of trying to get at him although he was very handsome, but rather in just wanting to get to know him better. I am old enough and have been around long enough to know that the wrapping of a person only tells you so much. I know many women feel this is an avenue that traditional, down home girls just don’t do. My question is what is the harm in expressing interest if doing so in friendship? We may see someone and think what it would be like to be on their arm, but I would hope most of us want to find out more and not just base it on that.

I ask that we also look at the way we handle ourselves. As a women, there is nothing wrong with keeping yourself up, learning how to plan for your future (with or without a family), have decent conversation, knowing how to build foundations, searching for who you are and knowing what makes you happy and drives you. Take time to find the cloths that look great on your body type. Everything is not going to look great on everyone at all sizes. However, no matter the size, I have seen some women that truly bring it in the wardrobe department. They take the time to find things that fit and flatter their body type. I know that many will say that it cost to get items tailored, altered, etc. I do agree and am not saying to spend money there if that is not available right now. However, for those that are at this point, take this into account. Think about your clothes, shoes, hair, nails, etc. I am not big on expensive purses but for some, that is their thing. You have to know what gives you that confidence and that extra pep in your step when you walk into a room. Some of the women I see that do this best, are doing it best because they know they are killing it in what they have one and it looks great on them.

At the same time, find yourself. Find things outside of dating, work, church, etc that you enjoy. Many times I see women struggle in friendships and relationships, because they just don’t know who they are. They don’t know what they like and don’t like. They have not taken the time to get to know them. Find that passion outside of work if it is not what you do every day. Get involved in that one organization or charity you have been looking into for years. I know some will say; they don’t know how to find these things. Start by searching Google, going to the library for research (I know that is old school, but something about the library is just so settling-lol). Furthermore, if you have an interest in something and don’t know where to start, I’ll extend my helping hand to help find some contacts. Just in the start of this blog and before I have met so many people on different paths and been given contacts. Some of them are listed under my businesses I support blog (Nothing but Support and other blogs sharing entertainment and products), many can be found on Facebook, etc. We need to have something to stick our roots in and that brings us enjoyment outside of the normal channels in life. If you don’t know what this is, pray and ask God to reveal it to you.

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Let’s learn to come together to IMPACT1 another and other women. To uphold them when they are down, to build lasting friendships that make it through the test of time, to learn ourselves and others to empower us to be BETTER, BOLDER, WISER, CONFIDENT, and most of all GOD FEARING.

Sincerely,
KJOI

2 Replies to “A Note to My Ladies”

  1. Counselor Webb 9 years ago

    I agree with you. It is important to know yourself, have a relationship with God and to figure out your passion through experimenting with different potential hobbies. If you never make changes or step out of your box, you become complacent and remain boxed in. Women are so powerful in so many ways and have so much to offer each other if we could just, my opinion get out of our own way.

    Great read K Joi.

    1. Thanks Counselor 🙂

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