August 2014 – Roots To The Soul

25 Aug

August 25, 2014August 11, 2015K Joi Relationships 4 Comments

Friendship 101

Thank you for being a friend

Travel down the road and back again.

Your heart is true, you’re a pal and a confidant.

And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew.

You would see the biggest gift would be from me

And the card attached would say thank you for being a friend.

The Golden Girl Theme song, I believe it sums it up.

We start to form and build relationships early on in life. From the time kids start daycare or play dates to the day we take our last breath. For many of us our first friends were our family, as they were the first people we could get some lee way with. My first friend was my baby cousin that is like a sister, Monika. We used to spend summer days, most Friday nights together, up all night playing Nintendo, playing pool and air hockey at her house. We may have had our first feuds with cousins (or I know I did), siblings, and friends from our early puberty stages. Friends essentially offer us that out from things we are unsure if family will judge based on. They are there through all the ups and downs of our life. Not all friends will last all four seasons and others will last a lifetime. I have been fortunate to have met many of my Ace’s at the age of 11 and gain some others along the way. Most of mine have been the epitome of ride or die in the sense of no matter what came my way they have never wavered. However, not all have been of that caliber, but I can say I have taken away great lessons from all the people who have gained the title as a friend. After all, a friend is a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection per the dictionary. Join me as I discuss the difference in friendships of men and women.

Women to Women Friendships

Women friendships vary on so many things. I recall being in sixth grade and meeting the first group of girls I became tight with. I had no idea that after 20 plus years we would all still be in touch. We went through first crushes, first kisses, driving, body changes, after high school decisions, and into adulthood. My girls and I have taken the time to truly get to know one another and be there through different situations. Over time we have spent time with one another’s family, trying new things, and new job experiences together. As women some consider friends people that they can share their hopes, dreams, and goals with. Many others consider a friend someone that they can go out with, shop with, and do other things they enjoy. I have had conversations with women that call a friend someone they can have around family, travel with, and can leave their man around. What I have found in most of my friendships is that, as women we lean on one another like sisters in many instances. Although this sounds like sugar and spice and everything nice, this does not come without some bumps along the way. As women go through different situations, there will be a difference of opinions, eyes rolling, and attitudes. I know my group and I have only made it through by being open and attempting to be transparent. In those moments of attempting to be transparent we shared laughs, tear, and eye-opening moments. You have to learn along the way to accept people for who they are and learn how to handle those differences. Women can be the best of friends, but you have to know and understand what is valued by one another and be honest with yourself on where you are in your friendships. What is important to you with your relationships with your girls? Are you and your girls more like Sex in The City or Living Single?

Men to Men Friendships

(this will be off of what I have observed and heard)

Men tend to be a little more relaxed with their friendships. I grew up with a brother that was 6 years older than me and him and his boys were tight from middle school and up as well. They would play sports, double date, and can challenge each other at new things. The male perspective can be different at times as well. It isn’t always a close niche relationship that makes a good friend for them. They definitely may not talk as often as the women do, but their bond once formed generally is hard be broken unless the man codes are broken. I have seen men that consider people friends that they may have grown up with but don’t necessarily know the details of the other person’s life step by step. I have seen men that are there for anything that goes down and those that are complacent. However, I have also seen those friendships amoungst men that will be honest with one another, motivate one another, and advise when the other one is wrong. Can they be vulnerable or share their emotion with one another without having to worry about their man card?

Does a good friend for a man become someone who supports, stands by your side, or is your wing man? What makes a good friend as men? Are you and your boys more like The Wood, Grown Ups, or The Hang Over?

Women and Men Friendships

This one can be great but can also become tricky… I used to love watching Dawson’s Creek and 90210. These sitcoms showed this in so many ways. I think having friends of a different gender brings some great benefits. Men and women do often see things different and it brings in that diversity. I have seen my boys from way back to grow into productive men over time and we have been able to value one another’s opinions and differences. I have had some guy friends that always extend support of my goals and were there like big brothers when certain situations came about. I believe that men can share insight to how a women is viewed by men, what men value, and what concerns a man may see when looking at a women. I say this because in many of these friendships at some point they will discuss their dating lives and should be able to be open with oe another on what can be improved upon. I have found the best guy friends have been those that I can speak to about anything. One that knows me for me and accepts me for that and not in spite of those things. How have you found that men and women friendships have worked for you?

With any friendship you need to decide what it is you are willing to give and what you want to get out of it. I would recommend you to be open and honest with yourself and others when building these friendships.

The words that escape a friend’s mouth are “I’ll be there when you say you need me” but the words that are unheard from a true friend’s heart are “I’ll be there… whether you say you need me or not.”

-unknown

18 Aug

August 18, 2014May 29, 2015K Joi Self Improvement/Worth One Comment

Can I Accept Me?

*Disclaimer, please read with an open mind and try to keep in mind this is simply to bring awareness. *

What is it about the world we live in to judge a person off skin tone, color of eyes, height, body build, and hair type versus spirit, integrity, intelligence, and character???

The movie Dark Girls focuses on the difference made between different shades of women in the African-American community. This movie does a good job of showing the impact of comments for all age ranges based on their shade for men and women. The one that stood out to me the most was the little girl they opened the movie with. A young child with beautiful skin, just gorgeous but has issues with her skin tone. She is one of many that battle with this from a young age that potentially can carry over into one’s adulthood.

As I think back to my childhood, I recall a time of battling with this myself. It was never due to any name calling, bullying, or family put downs. I just for some reason for years thought I was darker than I actually am. I was the darkest person on my mother’s side of the family and just always saw myself as darker skinned. It took me getting into college and being nicknamed Butterscotch (this was purely based on me going by Kandi and my skin tone) for me to really reevaluate what my skin tone really was. I for years struggled with the texture of my hair and going from round glasses to octagon glasses and to contacts. It was all internally my view of myself. I have always had big legs even when I was in shape. I recall praying for God to extend my femur bone so I could be a little taller, not much, but some. Lol. I was able to overcome my own perception of myself and start to see more in myself the more I learned and accepted that I was just the way God designed me to be. I also enjoy the song by Mary J Blige, Take Me as I Am.

My brother on the other hand, I have always admired. No matter if he had on glasses or contacts, a box haircut, or shaved his head bald. He has always embraced who he was. He is the type that could walk into a room and not know anyone. Before he left, he would have made friends and been invited to hang out. I’ve always been more of one to sit back and observe before completely feeling free to interact. Neither personality is wrong, but they can be perceived two very different ways.

I have dated men in the past that I have seen battle with even the colors they wear based on what has been said to them prior about their skin tone. I recall dating one guy that would always bring up that he was light-skinned and for the life of me… I couldn’t figure out why. When it came time to meet his family it was clearly because he was the lightest one of the family, but wasn’t necessarily light-skinned. He was just a lighter shade of brown and his family would refer to him by this when picking at him. However, he would make random remarks in reference to this and my family and friends were not as receptive to this as his comments came at the most random times. At times it almost seemed like he was proud to just be able to say he was light-skinned. Never quite got to the bottom of everything with this one ongoing comment of his. One other guy that I dated that was darker skinned used to only wear black, navy, and gray. As our relationship grew and we started shopping together I remember introducing him to other colors. His skin tone was so pretty and he never complimented it by wearing the colors salmon, cranberry, sea green, and lavender. However, that all changed once we started shopping together. It wasn’t about changing him, it was about introducing him to something he did not think he would look or feel good in.

In the many discussions with different groups of women, so many of them have been told they are pretty for a light chick or a dark chick. In the movie they have a segment of men discussing the shade of women’s skin. The interesting thing was although we all have preferences many of them based if they could talk to someone lighter or darker skinned on other things. They had different requirements based on the other person’s skin tone. I am sure many of you will read this and advise it this is based on unresolved issues, immaturity, and or society. However, these are the same men that will be out there dating, raising daughters and little boys to be men and advising them how to find their queen.

I say all these things to say that we as a society and as individuals in the society have to be more aware of the things we say to people and around our children and other’s children. Pay attention to the questions they ask and why they are asking them. Although I am not a parent myself, I see so many people feeling free to express their views and opinions around others little one’s without accounting for the impact it can make. I have witnessed people have babies and before anyone can congratulate the parents, one person is asking do you think they will get darker or their hair texture will change.

If we as adults can’t learn how to control how we communicate with one another based on stereotypical things, how do we expect our children to? If we can’t accept and embrace who we truly are, it leads to so many others down falls. People suffering with low self-esteem, questioning why they were designed the way they were, not recognizing their uniqueness will carry over into so much more. It effects how they interact with people, their work product, and so on.

Let’s try as a society to do better, no matter your race. Everyone won’t reach out to resources to get past their own hang ups nor will they choose to discuss it. Now days, kids are dealing with so many other pressures then when I grew up. The bullying, name calling, and blatant disrespect from their peers have become a norm for many children in school today. Where do you think they are learning some of these behavior’s from? It truly will open one’s eyes to the world we live in and what many look at before being respectful to the situation. I don’t want what I am writing to be misunderstood but I do hope it brings awareness.

So I ask again… Can I accept me? Can I expect someone else to accept me if I can’t accept myself???

16 Aug

August 16, 2014K Joi Family 10 Comments

The Day Texas Changed

2/11/14

The Day Texas Changed

I recall the days when my smiles were plentiful,
Sun shined brightly and my heart loved easily.
The simple joy of watching others have a great time, until…

One year in the Spring I took a trip with a friend only to return to a new journey,
To come off cloud 9 and discover my father was ill.
A turn of events became a whirl wind,
As he began to no longer be able to dress himself, drive himself, or sign his own documents
This was a life I had not known as this man had been a manly man.
He loved to cook, clean, dress nice, always laughing, and hardly complained.
Days and nights ran together as time flew by,
Trying to balance the new life of caring for my father, my career, and care for myself was a life I did not know.

From one change to the next,
How hard this must have been for a man, tha had been on his own since he was 17 and never returned home, now relied on his family and friends for the smallest things in life.
This illness swindled in and took his pride much like a tornado comes in and destroys a town.

One hospital trip turned into many endless trips.
His tarnished attitude lead to refusing surgeries, treatments, and diet plans.
The nurses and doctors soon advised there was nothing more they could do and in a matter of time his last breath would be taken.
They could not pinpoint the day, month, or years only that their work was done.
This all lead to reality hitting us both like a fright train.

One day the doctors advised he was in stable condition, but not out of the woods,
Within a week his body disagreed and he took a plunge to the other side.
One flat line was the short beginning to the end.
His journey wasn’t a yearlong and his fight was fought hard with the struggle between seeing God’s plan and accepting his part.
The day soon came where God gave him rest.
The days now go on, one by one, and time passes like nothing happened as my days pass like an eternity.
My days and tears all run together in the moments of wishing to hear his voice one more time, feel his hug, or watch Lifetime movies together with the back patio door open.
But the day he took his last breath, I knew… Texas had changed in a way that would never be the same

12 Aug

August 12, 2014June 1, 2015K Joi Self Improvement/Worth 27 Comments

The Evolution of Success

Success is not final
Failure is not fatal
It is the courage to continue that counts
-Winston Churchill

As a child I dreamed the American dream… to grow up, be married, wanted a dog, a house, and a fantastic corporate job. Disney movies aided in this optomistic view of the future. As a teenager, I searched for my “independence” and aimed for getting into a good college. As an adult the view of success is ever changing.

Many opinions on what makes one successful is out there. Ways to gain it keep it, measure it, etc. It is not something that can be measured universally. They all vary on the person attempting to achieve them. It makes me think of the moments of speaking with children and teenagers in my recruiting days of what they valued and felt would make them successful. The two main events that come to mind were while giving a Texas Scholar speech and recruiting for undergraduate admissions at a Junior College.

The Texas Scholar speech was generally to share about the program but also to get the middle school aged children to share about their hopes, dreams, and future. Initially I looked forward to hearing the goals the kids set only to hear majority of them discuss wanting to only be a basketball wife, date a rapper, the boys focused on having a fine wife and what material items they would want to acquire. The 3-5 out of 25 students expressed wanting to further their education and discussed professions they desired to get into. Although I am a large advocate for education, I understand and respect that it is not for everyone. But it sickened my heart to hear them so passionate to waste their talent and lives behind material things and not consider their own inner growth, excitement over graduating, or their future. Many people are successful that do not have an educational background, but I do believe that it doesn’t hurt to have your high school diploma and explore some other educational opportunities that could be from culinary arts, mechanical, military training, etc.

The young lady I met at the junior college during a recruiting event spent some time telling me a little about herself and then on to what she was hoping to accomplish. She had been in college approximately two years and was aiming to becoming a secretary. She said she was the first one in her family to obtain any college credit and she knows she did not need it to become a secretary but wanted to have that foundation. As she left from speaking with us, my coworker and I, we discussed how everyone’s life fulfilling desires differ in many ways.To the child sitting at home wondering where the next meal will come from or if the lights will be off tomorrow, success may be living at a means where he/she is not living check to check. People’s idea may not always meet our expectations but they maybe large to that individual’s family, personal goals, and motivated by their upbringing. So I say to anyone that attempts to down someone else’s idea of success because it does not meet their own expectation, remember that all the jobs in the world were created because they were needed and be thankful that someone wants to do the jobs you do not enjoy or care to do.

As a first generation college kid, I came out with a piece of paper, great accolades for graduating, but that does not mean others success is wrong or should be looked down upon. It was a large goal of mine to get a college degreee. For so many graduating high school, having a family, being a certain type of parent, being involved in the community is what equals success. Is one wrong or any less important, of course not. However, we tend to know people that won’t support others in achieving their goals that they may not understand or relate to.

My own success story has changed overtime from the time I became an aunt, joined the corporate world, and deciding to start my own blog. My success no longer only comes from climbing the corporate ladder, but to IMPACT1(this was not a typo) person at a time. I wanted to share my voice after stepping out on faith and hoping to inspire and assist.

Ask yourself what can you do to help yourself or someone else. In watching one of my favorite movies, Eat, Love, Pray, Julia Roberts portrays a woman that is seeking so many things all to find in the end that self-awareness and seeking her own success versus what the world put out there is what leads to her true happiness.

11 Aug

August 11, 2014K Joi Uncategorized 6 Comments

Thank you

I would just like to take a moment and say thank you for stopping by. I appreciate at you spending sometime with me today and would love to hear your comments.